I wish I could say "eyes on the horizon" but I have no idea what is on the horizon and I do not dare to imagine what that should consist of...I work hard on my various projects and chances come up, but I am too petrified to hope for any outcomes as I know by now that, in general, nothing comes of those chances. Still I dutifully follow up until I am told again that I am/what I do is not suitable.
I am not being negative here, I am simply speaking of past experience. I am refusing to believe that this will necessarily repeat itself, I am willing myself to have faith that something will come of all this, and I am committing myself to preparing myself for and following up on any opportunities that arise...
I am gonna try keep things as close to my own style as possible though, as that is the only way in which I can sustain interest and courage, and be willing to suffer losses where it wouldn't have worked for me anyway...I am getting good feedback but as they say, "Now show me the money!" Or at least a means of getting closer to making my own living.
I have so much to do right now, there do not seem to be enough hours in the day to do all that I ideally should be doing...there is organising the Club Night with Vincent and Lorena, there is practising my mixing, developing my mixing, practising my piano, practising using Logic and writing songs (not happening at all but at least my class is starting up soon), there is theatre book reading to enhance my classes, there is publicising my classes, organising my classes, there is meditation practice (which I have been sticking to quite faithfully), there is keeping a journal (which is disgracefully sporadic), there is reading for enjoyment (which I am loving at the moment), there is listening to new music for DJing (very difficult as my computer very mysteriously refuses to speak to my iPod and it's better for me to wait till I go to Glasgow to get it looked at...), there is keeping up with correspondence, there was going to be brushing up on my German and Russian (which hasn't happened at all!)
And I still like to see my good friends amidst all that....And of course there is sleeping, which for some reason is sheer heaven at the moment. Since getting my homeopathic remedy, and in a strange way, since enjoying the Vampire books so much, my dreams have been so vivid and I have been sleeping so well. My room is a little bit warmer and my bed so cosy!
So what's happening? Well there are the possibilities of a couple of DJ gigs here in Galway - though the scene is so cliquey and depressing and unfriendly and backwards - though you have to chase people with the ferocity of a pit-bull in order to get them to come back to you at all - though I am not sure if there is an outlet for the type of music I play, even though it is fashionable anywhere else in the world! All I can do is keep trying...maybe it would be almost better to wait till I get to Berlin, so I have no reason to get too attached to this place.
I've recorded a few sets - a bar one which is nice, but kinda specific to a bar so not exactly setting me on fire - and then another one called "Valhalla By Twilight" which is a very beautiful slow-building deep and brooding tech house into techno mix and which I think is the best thing I've ever done. It's been getting alot of comments on Music V2 - one guy said it was one of the most beautiful things he had ever heard, this London girl DJ said she'd love to mix with me sometime (really sweet but I am so slow to get my hopes up!) and another guy is putting it in a music review as he liked it so much.
Strangely enough, Lorena was a little disparaging of it, saying the mixing is perfect but it "doesn't have enough breaks" and "doesn't make her want to get on the dancefloor". I thought this was a bit odd, considering she was saying my other mixes "weren't progressive in style" and that it's clearly a chillout mix. Not all mixes are for dancing. I know she didn't mean it badly, it was just her Argentinian bluntness. but if she wants to hear a dancefloor mix she can go and record it herself instead of telling me what I should be doing.
I take it as an opportunity to gain independence from her opinion. As she was my first teacher, I relied on her opinion alot, now it's time to stand on my own two feet and not be held back. It was the first mix where I felt I was really finding my own style and I am very very proud of it. Nearly everyone else loved it too! Lewis said you could put any major DJs name on it and sell it as a commercial release...
Then there is the chance of being signed with a good agent in Scotland, I think they might possibly be the best. I was recommended to them by a director I had worked with and he told me that they were interested and to send my stuff to them. Unfortunately I don't have any headshots here in Ireland and I certainly need to get new ones done and I can't do that until my hair has grown out a couple more inches so it can be cut into a more classic bob. So I emailed them with my updated CV, an older headshot and a theatre still. It was just before Christmas so I didn't expect them to get it for a while and I waited till the start of January to call them.
When I did the lady seemed very polite although she was very busy. She said she had just got back to the office and hadn't got through all the email yet and to resend it and she would speak to me soon. I told her I was in Ireland just now but in between Galway and Glasgow and she seemed to think that was cool. She seemed to know who I was when I said and said she would call me. So about a week ago I re-emailed the stuff and left it for now. No word. Not that I am worried...I just am so used to everything being a dead end that I am not very optimistic. And I am not sure how to follow up. Surely if she was interested she'd call me? I guess she was interested when Zam spoke about me but when she saw my headshot she thought "I can't get this girl work"!!!
The classes are ok, I did flyering this week and though many of my old students are coming back, I am slower to get phone calls from new ones. Could be something to do with the ole recession I guess...
I'm not down about all this. I just hope things don't follow the previous dead-end fashion. I'm going to commit extra hard to follow things through just to encourage change from my end.
Showing posts with label Theatre. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Theatre. Show all posts
Thursday, 15 January 2009
Thursday, 23 October 2008
To Teach or Not to Teach?
Ok that's a moot point, because for the next while I will be teaching...thing is, I am not sure if I am really cut out for it! I just can't get past the bit where you have to be comfortable with your students thinking you are an idiot and that it is a waste of time doing your class because they are not getting what they expected out of territory that was previously foreign to them.
Ok that doesn't make sense...what is the balance between pressing on with teaching them necessary skills that will allow them to interact as a group, access their physicalities and think outside the box, and allowing them immediate gratification of "doing scenes" and "being directed" and "playing parts" - simply because they have paid me to teach them "Acting for Fun", they are not professional actors and they just want to see what it is about?
But I don't think they realise that what I am showing them is what it is about! And I don't think they realise how much they are learning...And they are learning. They are a talented, imaginative group...But I need to get the balance between teaching them and pleasing them, even more so that they are not professionals. especially if I want to keep them as customers and continue with my teaching work. And I now know that what I think is fun about acting may not be fun for them...
I know my classes are well-planned and quite integrative, if that's a word, in that all the Chekhov exercises we start with feed into the games we play later on and each class has a strong theme and goal...But I think all that I hold dear is lost on them, perhaps because I find it so hard to communicate. I find communicating my ideas and feelings very difficult in general - so perhaps I am not cut out to teach. And I hate undergoing the necessary resentment, resistance and separation from the group that a teacher has to undergo. I feel so awful to think that they may be regretting spending money on my class. And I am so longing to teach professional actors this stuff and get right into it, BUT professional actors never have the money to do classes!
Hey, but tis still a nice way of getting on top of my debts and earning the freedom for the next stage of my life. And I know from before that teaching has bad days and wonderful days for everybody concerned.
I noticed something about myself yesterday too, in a brief exchange I had with an aquaintance of mine who is my age and has had quite a successful acting career in Ireland - a lovely girl. Part of me is humiliated by the idea that I am teaching acting classes. And it shouldn't be. I don't always feel like that, at times the idea of teaching fills me with joy. But when she said, quite innocently, "Maybe this is the start of a school!" I suddenly came out with "NO! No..." Out of nowhere.
And I know what it was, I couldn't bear the thought of this being my life, stuck here in my home town, committed to my own acting school. I don't know why.
And I started into the exercises on "Entering the Castle" last night - I've been working very slowly and steadily and finally got to the first room...and God the amount of questions in that room are exhausting! They'd keep you going for a month! Well I didn't write cause I was quite tired, but I resolutely pondered some of them for a while, and I'd start and I couldn't get clear answers and then I'd drift off and try to come back...some of the questions just don't hit me but I want to honour them anyway...but I tried and tried this contemplation thing and then I finally asked my soul "Just say something!" Because it sounded like my mind just babbling away in answer to the questions, truths I could grasp but could I live them? Ya dee Ya dee YA!
And then...something new filtered through the mess...I don't know if it was my frazzled mind...something like...the question had been "In what way does your fear of being humiliated control your life?"...well I realised that my fear of committing to anything, anything may have to do with the fear of the humiliation of living a normal life...a life I would perceive as not having infinite possibility, which is nonsense, I know."If I do this, then this closes this off, but I can't do this cause I've no money because I haven't committed to anything. But at least I don't have the humiliation of having an identity that I don't want. Cause I've done that. Bank Worker, ha!"
Ok when I write this down it doesn't make sense. I think it is quite healthy to work towards the life you dream of, but not when you are doing it to avoid humiliation, the inner voice that says mockingly "Oh look there's Seralu. Yeah she never lived up to her potential."
My head is scrambled. There's tinges of shadow in the good isn't there...why am I doing this (whatever it is) ? To "fill my potential" so I don't have to feel guilty and humiliated, or because I just want/need to do it. Seralu, methinks you are still a bit of a phoney m'dear!
Ok that doesn't make sense...what is the balance between pressing on with teaching them necessary skills that will allow them to interact as a group, access their physicalities and think outside the box, and allowing them immediate gratification of "doing scenes" and "being directed" and "playing parts" - simply because they have paid me to teach them "Acting for Fun", they are not professional actors and they just want to see what it is about?
But I don't think they realise that what I am showing them is what it is about! And I don't think they realise how much they are learning...And they are learning. They are a talented, imaginative group...But I need to get the balance between teaching them and pleasing them, even more so that they are not professionals. especially if I want to keep them as customers and continue with my teaching work. And I now know that what I think is fun about acting may not be fun for them...
I know my classes are well-planned and quite integrative, if that's a word, in that all the Chekhov exercises we start with feed into the games we play later on and each class has a strong theme and goal...But I think all that I hold dear is lost on them, perhaps because I find it so hard to communicate. I find communicating my ideas and feelings very difficult in general - so perhaps I am not cut out to teach. And I hate undergoing the necessary resentment, resistance and separation from the group that a teacher has to undergo. I feel so awful to think that they may be regretting spending money on my class. And I am so longing to teach professional actors this stuff and get right into it, BUT professional actors never have the money to do classes!
Hey, but tis still a nice way of getting on top of my debts and earning the freedom for the next stage of my life. And I know from before that teaching has bad days and wonderful days for everybody concerned.
I noticed something about myself yesterday too, in a brief exchange I had with an aquaintance of mine who is my age and has had quite a successful acting career in Ireland - a lovely girl. Part of me is humiliated by the idea that I am teaching acting classes. And it shouldn't be. I don't always feel like that, at times the idea of teaching fills me with joy. But when she said, quite innocently, "Maybe this is the start of a school!" I suddenly came out with "NO! No..." Out of nowhere.
And I know what it was, I couldn't bear the thought of this being my life, stuck here in my home town, committed to my own acting school. I don't know why.
And I started into the exercises on "Entering the Castle" last night - I've been working very slowly and steadily and finally got to the first room...and God the amount of questions in that room are exhausting! They'd keep you going for a month! Well I didn't write cause I was quite tired, but I resolutely pondered some of them for a while, and I'd start and I couldn't get clear answers and then I'd drift off and try to come back...some of the questions just don't hit me but I want to honour them anyway...but I tried and tried this contemplation thing and then I finally asked my soul "Just say something!" Because it sounded like my mind just babbling away in answer to the questions, truths I could grasp but could I live them? Ya dee Ya dee YA!
And then...something new filtered through the mess...I don't know if it was my frazzled mind...something like...the question had been "In what way does your fear of being humiliated control your life?"...well I realised that my fear of committing to anything, anything may have to do with the fear of the humiliation of living a normal life...a life I would perceive as not having infinite possibility, which is nonsense, I know."If I do this, then this closes this off, but I can't do this cause I've no money because I haven't committed to anything. But at least I don't have the humiliation of having an identity that I don't want. Cause I've done that. Bank Worker, ha!"
Ok when I write this down it doesn't make sense. I think it is quite healthy to work towards the life you dream of, but not when you are doing it to avoid humiliation, the inner voice that says mockingly "Oh look there's Seralu. Yeah she never lived up to her potential."
My head is scrambled. There's tinges of shadow in the good isn't there...why am I doing this (whatever it is) ? To "fill my potential" so I don't have to feel guilty and humiliated, or because I just want/need to do it. Seralu, methinks you are still a bit of a phoney m'dear!
Saturday, 27 September 2008
A Day for Contemplation
I am having a quiet day all to myself today. The last week has been so busy, getting everything organised for the drama classes I am hoping to run. I have been getting flyers designed, ready and then been going all around town putting them up and handing them out. So far I have five or six signed up for classes, one person has signed up for three different workshop. So the next step is to start getting all my thoughts in order for these classes. Plan out a rough shape, and reread enough to inspire myself to teach again.
I've also been making some headway as regards making contacts with the University. I have about three different people who want to meet up with me to talk theatre, one of them the head of the BA Acting course recently set up there and another a lecturer on the MA in Theatre Studies who has spent alot of time in Russia, so we have alot of common interests. I am looking forward to just talking. I hope I can remember how to talk about theatre. Lately I have just been putting one foot in front of the other and going with what is happening. So I won't panic. I have no idea what I want out of any of this so there is nothing to get nervous about. I do need to jump into reading my Chekhov and Stanislavski books though. Any scrap of free time I've had for reading lately has been spent on "Entering the Castle" which has been consuming my attention. Feels so horrible to need to wrest away from it when I am finding it so absorbing! I am only reading it for now and listening to the cds to get an overview. Partly because there is so much in it and I want to get a sense of trajectory and I suppose partly because some of the work seems so very hard in it. When I read the exercises in some of the rooms, I can't even begin to think of answers for them. So I guess that's why I am just getting a feel for it right now, beginning to pray more and write the odd private journal entry.
Today though, I feel like starting. I made a journal on my laptop just for working on it, where I can write my exercises and put anything that inspires me from the book into. I want to collect images of the different rooms to spark my imagination, I want to put quotes and favourite pieces of sacred writing in there. Like a kind of scrapbook/journal that is for my eyes only.
Then when I was looking for an image of the castle that appealed to me, I came across a couple of different blogs (not on blogger, with different hosts) that really appealed to me, of people writing about their spiritual quests and exploring the relationship between Art and the Spirit. The relationship between Art and Mysticism is really beginning to interest me. For now, anyway. I am a fickle soul. I have commitment problems!
But I guess that is why I did start this blog. To explore the effects my spiritual search is having on my life. Within the bounds of privacy of course! What I promised myself was to write each time only on a given topic without being too confessional or digressive as if I was writing it only for myself. To write as if I was writing for others, though I don't mind in the least if anyone reads it or not. I guess to impose some discipline on my mind by consciously forming thoughts which I need to take responsibility for as there is the possibility others could see them. To solidify my inner life somewhat? It is so nebulous in there!
So I should write in it more. I feel bad that I haven't. But on the other hand I am aware that, in this period of my life, there is a need for privacy too and sometimes I don't have anything to say that I would like to say to anyone else. That's why I need to start "Entering the Castle" properly today, even if I haven't fully given the book the once over. (I can still finish it from the point I am at in the Sixth Mansion and start from the start in greater and more laborious detail).
I just don't want the self-examination in the first three mansions to become too morbid!
I've also been making some headway as regards making contacts with the University. I have about three different people who want to meet up with me to talk theatre, one of them the head of the BA Acting course recently set up there and another a lecturer on the MA in Theatre Studies who has spent alot of time in Russia, so we have alot of common interests. I am looking forward to just talking. I hope I can remember how to talk about theatre. Lately I have just been putting one foot in front of the other and going with what is happening. So I won't panic. I have no idea what I want out of any of this so there is nothing to get nervous about. I do need to jump into reading my Chekhov and Stanislavski books though. Any scrap of free time I've had for reading lately has been spent on "Entering the Castle" which has been consuming my attention. Feels so horrible to need to wrest away from it when I am finding it so absorbing! I am only reading it for now and listening to the cds to get an overview. Partly because there is so much in it and I want to get a sense of trajectory and I suppose partly because some of the work seems so very hard in it. When I read the exercises in some of the rooms, I can't even begin to think of answers for them. So I guess that's why I am just getting a feel for it right now, beginning to pray more and write the odd private journal entry.
Today though, I feel like starting. I made a journal on my laptop just for working on it, where I can write my exercises and put anything that inspires me from the book into. I want to collect images of the different rooms to spark my imagination, I want to put quotes and favourite pieces of sacred writing in there. Like a kind of scrapbook/journal that is for my eyes only.
Then when I was looking for an image of the castle that appealed to me, I came across a couple of different blogs (not on blogger, with different hosts) that really appealed to me, of people writing about their spiritual quests and exploring the relationship between Art and the Spirit. The relationship between Art and Mysticism is really beginning to interest me. For now, anyway. I am a fickle soul. I have commitment problems!
But I guess that is why I did start this blog. To explore the effects my spiritual search is having on my life. Within the bounds of privacy of course! What I promised myself was to write each time only on a given topic without being too confessional or digressive as if I was writing it only for myself. To write as if I was writing for others, though I don't mind in the least if anyone reads it or not. I guess to impose some discipline on my mind by consciously forming thoughts which I need to take responsibility for as there is the possibility others could see them. To solidify my inner life somewhat? It is so nebulous in there!
So I should write in it more. I feel bad that I haven't. But on the other hand I am aware that, in this period of my life, there is a need for privacy too and sometimes I don't have anything to say that I would like to say to anyone else. That's why I need to start "Entering the Castle" properly today, even if I haven't fully given the book the once over. (I can still finish it from the point I am at in the Sixth Mansion and start from the start in greater and more laborious detail).
I just don't want the self-examination in the first three mansions to become too morbid!
Saturday, 6 September 2008
Tales from Home
The last part of August was such a time of upheaval, illness and overall numbness that I couldn't bring myself to write at all. I guess I was in a state of dread at the prospect of a big move (I HATE packing!), a state of alternate futility and rebellion at my job where I seemed to get no financial return for the hours I was putting in, only rudeness from the higher level staff, and all this led to a state of panic about my finances and my energy levels. Blah Blah Blah. You can see why I didn't bother to write about it!!!
So now I am home. And while I am terribly sad to leave my lovely friends in Glasgow, some of whom mean a great deal to me, and while I was terribly touched by the way many of them turned up at such short notice for my leaving drinks at Bar 91, and while part of me is hurting at the thought of my boyfriend being sad at my leaving him and feeling a bit bad that I was so preoccupied and numb in the time running up to my departure, as if I couldn't be present to him in the time that he had left with me...I am feeling much better now. And everything seems to be confirming that this is the right decision.
Nature is everywhere here. And I have said it before but I do not realise how much I have been missing it until I come back into it again. I have had long walks by the sea every day since I have been back. Yesterday I walked for 90 minutes while my Mum had coffee with her friend and it was wonderful. On Thursday the weather was so lovely I even went for a swim in the sea at Blackrock. I haven't done that since I was a child! The water was freezing at first, so much so that I thought I was going to faint as soon as I immersed my body in it, but I quickly got accustomed and swam out to the raft and back twice. And when I got out of the water, my whole body was tingling deliciously and it was a pleasure to wrap myself up warm in my clothes again.
Mum and I have been cooking simple and healthy meals which I have been really enjoying - homemade vegetable soup with open soda bread sandwiches, peppered steak with salad and potatoes, quiche and salad, weetabix and banana. I know all of this is going to bring my energy levels back to the point where I will feel like I can really do things again.
We listened to the first cd of Carolyn Myss' "Entering the Castle" yesterday evening and enjoyed it greatly, I listened to most of the second cd while I walked the prom today. I love what she has to say. I think I will take up her suggestion and take up a private journal as I work through her cd. I definitely want to get the book too. This is a quiet, simple time for me, for rest and reflection, for catching up with myself and for simply letting things happen.
A solution has presented itself for my financial problems, so Mum and I are going to go into the bank on Monday to see if it is possible to implement. I think it will be and it will take all that pressure off. As regards an income, Mum has spoken to the convenience store just three minutes from where we live and it is a quiet area, and they may have some part time work for me, which would be perfect for the moment. So I will find out about that after the weekend.
Even musically things seem to be ironing out so far. First of all, I was pleasantly surprised to read in the paper that one of my favourite DJ/producers Sebastien Leger was to play in the GPO last night. I've wanted to see him for so long and never expected that he would play in Galway as he is quite a big name and we are quite a small city with a limited club scene (apparently). So my brother and his friend Marie came with me last night and we had an absolute blast! The crowd was great, we danced alot and had some friendly banter and got to shake Leger's hand after a really fun set. (Though I wish he had played a little more of his own stuff which is so deliciously clever and quirky and punchy...apparently he writes it on Ableton, or such was the information I managed to elicit from him before he was whisked off in a car!)
On top of that, there is a music course in Logic Express especially for DJs who want to start producing their own music, one evening a week in GTI and it is well reasonable. Mum and I have started a little pot to attract money for it over the next two weeks. And so far I have had a couple of wee windfalls. So I now have €17.50 saved towards the €115 it will cost! (Note for Mark, think the course will be helpful in my work for TB too!)
And FINALLY I got the recording software for my DJ sets working, so the last two days I have recorded an hour of mixing each, to listen back and see what works and what doesn't. Not feeling majorly inspired just now, but pressing on anyhow and so glad to have my complete set-up by the window, looking out on the lawn and the fields beyond...I have a set ready to record and my brother who loves doing graphics is well up for doing the cd covers to hand out.
Also my other brother, Paddy is familiar with Reason (though he has Reason 3) and I am gonna spend a few hours over at his to learn a bit more and hook up his midi controller to my computer so I can do more interesting stuff...
When I have some cash saved and all debts sorted, I am going to get my hair cut (tis an absolute disaster!) and get some new headshots done so I can blitz Dublin and Glasgow with acting cvs. Just to put myself out there and see what comes back...And am thinking of talking to a few places in Galway next week about teaching classes, once it all starts coming together in my head a bit more. There is alot to do, but I have the time and space to do it now...And as I just said, see what comes back. And that will be a clue as to what I am meant to do...
So now I am home. And while I am terribly sad to leave my lovely friends in Glasgow, some of whom mean a great deal to me, and while I was terribly touched by the way many of them turned up at such short notice for my leaving drinks at Bar 91, and while part of me is hurting at the thought of my boyfriend being sad at my leaving him and feeling a bit bad that I was so preoccupied and numb in the time running up to my departure, as if I couldn't be present to him in the time that he had left with me...I am feeling much better now. And everything seems to be confirming that this is the right decision.
Nature is everywhere here. And I have said it before but I do not realise how much I have been missing it until I come back into it again. I have had long walks by the sea every day since I have been back. Yesterday I walked for 90 minutes while my Mum had coffee with her friend and it was wonderful. On Thursday the weather was so lovely I even went for a swim in the sea at Blackrock. I haven't done that since I was a child! The water was freezing at first, so much so that I thought I was going to faint as soon as I immersed my body in it, but I quickly got accustomed and swam out to the raft and back twice. And when I got out of the water, my whole body was tingling deliciously and it was a pleasure to wrap myself up warm in my clothes again.
Mum and I have been cooking simple and healthy meals which I have been really enjoying - homemade vegetable soup with open soda bread sandwiches, peppered steak with salad and potatoes, quiche and salad, weetabix and banana. I know all of this is going to bring my energy levels back to the point where I will feel like I can really do things again.
We listened to the first cd of Carolyn Myss' "Entering the Castle" yesterday evening and enjoyed it greatly, I listened to most of the second cd while I walked the prom today. I love what she has to say. I think I will take up her suggestion and take up a private journal as I work through her cd. I definitely want to get the book too. This is a quiet, simple time for me, for rest and reflection, for catching up with myself and for simply letting things happen.
A solution has presented itself for my financial problems, so Mum and I are going to go into the bank on Monday to see if it is possible to implement. I think it will be and it will take all that pressure off. As regards an income, Mum has spoken to the convenience store just three minutes from where we live and it is a quiet area, and they may have some part time work for me, which would be perfect for the moment. So I will find out about that after the weekend.
Even musically things seem to be ironing out so far. First of all, I was pleasantly surprised to read in the paper that one of my favourite DJ/producers Sebastien Leger was to play in the GPO last night. I've wanted to see him for so long and never expected that he would play in Galway as he is quite a big name and we are quite a small city with a limited club scene (apparently). So my brother and his friend Marie came with me last night and we had an absolute blast! The crowd was great, we danced alot and had some friendly banter and got to shake Leger's hand after a really fun set. (Though I wish he had played a little more of his own stuff which is so deliciously clever and quirky and punchy...apparently he writes it on Ableton, or such was the information I managed to elicit from him before he was whisked off in a car!)
On top of that, there is a music course in Logic Express especially for DJs who want to start producing their own music, one evening a week in GTI and it is well reasonable. Mum and I have started a little pot to attract money for it over the next two weeks. And so far I have had a couple of wee windfalls. So I now have €17.50 saved towards the €115 it will cost! (Note for Mark, think the course will be helpful in my work for TB too!)
And FINALLY I got the recording software for my DJ sets working, so the last two days I have recorded an hour of mixing each, to listen back and see what works and what doesn't. Not feeling majorly inspired just now, but pressing on anyhow and so glad to have my complete set-up by the window, looking out on the lawn and the fields beyond...I have a set ready to record and my brother who loves doing graphics is well up for doing the cd covers to hand out.
Also my other brother, Paddy is familiar with Reason (though he has Reason 3) and I am gonna spend a few hours over at his to learn a bit more and hook up his midi controller to my computer so I can do more interesting stuff...
When I have some cash saved and all debts sorted, I am going to get my hair cut (tis an absolute disaster!) and get some new headshots done so I can blitz Dublin and Glasgow with acting cvs. Just to put myself out there and see what comes back...And am thinking of talking to a few places in Galway next week about teaching classes, once it all starts coming together in my head a bit more. There is alot to do, but I have the time and space to do it now...And as I just said, see what comes back. And that will be a clue as to what I am meant to do...
Tuesday, 22 July 2008
Bewilderment
I am pretty much qualified for only one job, well, on paper, as I have an MA in Theatre Directing. So imagine my delight when a job came up at a professional theatre for a year's post as in-house Trainee Director. Finally a job spec that matched where I am at in my career perfectly. So I sent in my CV and application form and, as requested, a letter stating why I am the best person for the job. I always find these things difficult to write, but I had an heroic stab at it, most of the text is included below...I was a little delayed in confirming references, but ended up sending them two very good references last week.
The thing is, I just found out today I never even got shortlisted for interview. Beyond my disappointment, I'd just love to know where I had gone wrong in my application so that things like this do not continue to happen, so that I am no longer excluded from my chosen metier, so that I can begin to build a career. I have great faith in my skills and I have excellent experience, as well as training in some very interesting subjects. But there is something about me that just doesn't seem to fit in to theatre land. I know I am probably limiting myself by even writing this down and I need to correct this problem at thought level, but I guess I am seeking a greater cosmic answer as to why I am continually thwarted in this career in spite of my investment of time, passion and energy. Is this God's way of saying "Don't pursue this? There is something better that you can do?" But I have no inkling of what that would be. Or is he teaching me perseverance? That I have to learn to keep putting myself out there and just being myself in spite of it all.
As soon as I received the news, my boyfriend started going on about how I need to learn how to portray myself, that I need to be realistic about the"rat-race" etc etc, that maybe I should think of an alternative career. I told him, "I don't even know what career I want right now" I kinda didn't need to hear all that. I don't really want to change who I am, I accept that maybe I can look at my application critically and see if there is anything I can refine, but change? He said that I'd probably keep applying and get some shitty job somewhere I didn't want to end up.
Am I in denial for not wanting to listen to that? Am I not being realistic in not wanting to change who I am? Am I being foolish to persevere? Is there something I am just getting wrong that I can't see? Am I the wrong kind of person for this industry? Or do I just have to work through this to find the lesson? I am sure if God intended something else for me, it would be alot clearer. Oh I am terribly confused! I can't think of the most constructive way to think of this, other than that job was not for me and there is probably a wonderful opportunity coming along which I can't yet have considered which I would have missed had I got it.
That is of course on a Cosmic level. I am still utterly bewildered as to why my skills didn't recommend themselves on a human level!
"I am extremely excited about the prospect of applying for the post of Trainee Director at the ----- Theatre. Having worked in Theatre for thirteen years now and dedicated most of that time towards developing myself through various methods of training and exploring my passion through both professional and self-motivated practice, I feel the post has a lot to offer me in the further training it affords, the opportunity to learn from the experience of those who have been working in my field for longer than I and the focus it will provide in challenging me to synthesise all that I have learned to become a true professional, fully capable of being able to function in and contribute to the professional arena and the community in a wider sense.
Equally I feel I have a lot to offer as a candidate for this position. I have experienced a wide variety of training methods and have cultivated a number of skills, some of which I have chosen to develop further in my own time after the initial training had taken place. As well as having trained as a theatre director on the MA in Theatre Directing at Middlesex University, I trained as an actor at the Gaiety School of Acting in Dublin where I got a thorough grounding in all basic skills an actor needs, such as Voice, Movement, Text etc. This gives me greater insight as a director into the actor’s process, is wonderful for troubleshooting on a technical level and understanding what their needs or perspectives might be in rehearsal. Also at the Gaiety, I was introduced to a myriad of other disciplines including clowning, short and long-form improvisation, Viewpoints and other forms of devising. These can often serve to enrich the rehearsal process.
I was very fortunate to be accepted onto the MA course at Middlesex without a prior degree, as the course leader Leon Rubin had confidence that my previous experience demonstrated my ability to complete the course (which I have just graduated from this Summer, having handed in m dissertation last fall.) The unique set-up of the course allowed me to explore four very specific aspects of theatre in great detail and gave me a great armoury of skills with which to work. At the Middlesex campus I did intensive modules on directing Shakespeare and Comedy where my teachers included Leon Rubin, John Russell Brown and Janet Suzman. I then travelled to Moscow to study at the Russian Academy of Theatre Art (GITIS) where I explored the techniques of Michael Chekhov as well as getting an important grounding in the work of Stanislavsky and Meyerhold’s Biomechanics. The following year I travelled to Bali to study at ISI, Denpasar for a module on Theatre of the East.
What was most valuable about working in these countries was that it made me become much more open to different perspectives on performance and rehearsal and much more flexible in the way I approached things, opening up a whole new range of possibilities in my mind. Finally, I applied my passion for Michael Chekhov and Long-form Improvisation to explore a unique way of rehearsing for Howard Barker’s “Wounds to the Face” and created a Director’s Workbook for my dissertation.
I felt it important to develop what I had learned in the course and take it further for this project. The continual development of my craft is very important to me and while I have been in Glasgow I have taken a great deal of time to do further study on what interests me and learn through working with other people in my own time. Three topics from my training that have particularly seduced me so far are the work of Michael Chekhov, Chicago-style long-form Improv and, more recently, Viewpoints. In July 2006, I set up an Improv Ensemble and Theatre Company with other actors to explore Long-form Improv with a view to regular performances. I gained a great deal from this project which lasted a year. We would meet three times weekly for three hours at a time and worked to create an ensemble which could create sustained and completely spontaneous performances from an audience suggestion. However, we used the rehearsal time not only to master improvisation skills, but also to deepen and innovate these skills through the work of Michael Chekhov. We also went onto develop some interesting work on archetypes and the ideas of Augusto Boal. As a group I am proud to say we had some very successful performances at the Comedy Festival and the West End Festival, and I gained a great deal as a director in the sense that this gave me great opportunity to explore and innovate. I took much of this work into my final dissertation.
As a result of all this I feel I have a lot to offer in terms of workshops as well as in rehearsal, both with professional actors and young people. Prior to moving to the UK, I worked for 18 months with the Gaiety Youth Theatre company as administrator, assistant director and teacher for young people between the ages of 15 and 19. I very much enjoyed this and learned a lot from supporting them in putting on shows, nurturing their talent and teaching them new skills, allowing them to surprise themselves with talents they never thought they had and instilling them the importance of working as a good ensemble. For this reason I am extremely excited about the possibility of working with -----.
While working as an actor over in Ireland, I gained experience working in the professional industry and its demands with large companies such as The Gate and The Machine. I also did some stage management and costume for Druid and other touring companies. As I mentioned earlier with my acting experience, this knowledge of other facets of working in theatre gives me much more insight into the perspectives of those I am working with as a director so that I can be realistic in what I am asking of them, but also in certain cases, knowing what they are capable of, much braver. When working on a production, however, I find it imperative that I remain conscious at all times of what hat I am wearing in any given situation and act accordingly. From having directed full-scale productions of “Dangerous Liaisons” and “The Talented Mr Ripley” (both of which I am happy to say had sell out performances!) and also having set up my own theatre company, Razed Curtain, for a time, I have had good exposure to the practicalities involved in putting on a production. This includes budgets, fundraising, hiring and organising rehearsals, but most importantly as a director, in being able to come up with inventive and meaningful concepts for shows that are restricted by budget. This, for me, is sometimes a very enjoyable part of my work!
At the end of the day, however, I love directing because I love working with actors. I love finding ways to bring performances out in them that they never thought they were capable of and in delighting the audience through this. I love to create a safe and dynamic rehearsal space where they feel they can give their best and where they genuinely get a sense of their own artistry. This is why Chekhov and Improv and Viewpoints appeal so much to me. I also love directing because I get to involve my passion for music and film and literature and visual arts and travel in creating new worlds that others can co-create and inhabit and witness. I believe in theatre’s capacity to give back to the community and the wider society in rich and life-affirming ways. I believe in drama as a tool for helping people to access parts in themselves they never realised existed, whether as performers or audience members, and this is an important part of why I am applying for this role. I have been living in Glasgow for three years now and this has become my home. I realise this may sound somewhat sentimental, but I have a great liking and admiration for this city and its people and I have enjoyed engaging with them through my theatre practice during my time here. This role would allow me to do this on an even more consistent basis and, through working with -----, allow me to give back more to this community which has made me feel so welcome."
Too sentimental? To passionate? Or am I just a weirdo without knowing it??? Or should I even bother to think about all this? Or will they give me feedback if I ask so I can choose to act on it in future?
Far too many questions...I'm going to download more techno!
The thing is, I just found out today I never even got shortlisted for interview. Beyond my disappointment, I'd just love to know where I had gone wrong in my application so that things like this do not continue to happen, so that I am no longer excluded from my chosen metier, so that I can begin to build a career. I have great faith in my skills and I have excellent experience, as well as training in some very interesting subjects. But there is something about me that just doesn't seem to fit in to theatre land. I know I am probably limiting myself by even writing this down and I need to correct this problem at thought level, but I guess I am seeking a greater cosmic answer as to why I am continually thwarted in this career in spite of my investment of time, passion and energy. Is this God's way of saying "Don't pursue this? There is something better that you can do?" But I have no inkling of what that would be. Or is he teaching me perseverance? That I have to learn to keep putting myself out there and just being myself in spite of it all.
As soon as I received the news, my boyfriend started going on about how I need to learn how to portray myself, that I need to be realistic about the"rat-race" etc etc, that maybe I should think of an alternative career. I told him, "I don't even know what career I want right now" I kinda didn't need to hear all that. I don't really want to change who I am, I accept that maybe I can look at my application critically and see if there is anything I can refine, but change? He said that I'd probably keep applying and get some shitty job somewhere I didn't want to end up.
Am I in denial for not wanting to listen to that? Am I not being realistic in not wanting to change who I am? Am I being foolish to persevere? Is there something I am just getting wrong that I can't see? Am I the wrong kind of person for this industry? Or do I just have to work through this to find the lesson? I am sure if God intended something else for me, it would be alot clearer. Oh I am terribly confused! I can't think of the most constructive way to think of this, other than that job was not for me and there is probably a wonderful opportunity coming along which I can't yet have considered which I would have missed had I got it.
That is of course on a Cosmic level. I am still utterly bewildered as to why my skills didn't recommend themselves on a human level!
"I am extremely excited about the prospect of applying for the post of Trainee Director at the ----- Theatre. Having worked in Theatre for thirteen years now and dedicated most of that time towards developing myself through various methods of training and exploring my passion through both professional and self-motivated practice, I feel the post has a lot to offer me in the further training it affords, the opportunity to learn from the experience of those who have been working in my field for longer than I and the focus it will provide in challenging me to synthesise all that I have learned to become a true professional, fully capable of being able to function in and contribute to the professional arena and the community in a wider sense.
Equally I feel I have a lot to offer as a candidate for this position. I have experienced a wide variety of training methods and have cultivated a number of skills, some of which I have chosen to develop further in my own time after the initial training had taken place. As well as having trained as a theatre director on the MA in Theatre Directing at Middlesex University, I trained as an actor at the Gaiety School of Acting in Dublin where I got a thorough grounding in all basic skills an actor needs, such as Voice, Movement, Text etc. This gives me greater insight as a director into the actor’s process, is wonderful for troubleshooting on a technical level and understanding what their needs or perspectives might be in rehearsal. Also at the Gaiety, I was introduced to a myriad of other disciplines including clowning, short and long-form improvisation, Viewpoints and other forms of devising. These can often serve to enrich the rehearsal process.
I was very fortunate to be accepted onto the MA course at Middlesex without a prior degree, as the course leader Leon Rubin had confidence that my previous experience demonstrated my ability to complete the course (which I have just graduated from this Summer, having handed in m dissertation last fall.) The unique set-up of the course allowed me to explore four very specific aspects of theatre in great detail and gave me a great armoury of skills with which to work. At the Middlesex campus I did intensive modules on directing Shakespeare and Comedy where my teachers included Leon Rubin, John Russell Brown and Janet Suzman. I then travelled to Moscow to study at the Russian Academy of Theatre Art (GITIS) where I explored the techniques of Michael Chekhov as well as getting an important grounding in the work of Stanislavsky and Meyerhold’s Biomechanics. The following year I travelled to Bali to study at ISI, Denpasar for a module on Theatre of the East.
What was most valuable about working in these countries was that it made me become much more open to different perspectives on performance and rehearsal and much more flexible in the way I approached things, opening up a whole new range of possibilities in my mind. Finally, I applied my passion for Michael Chekhov and Long-form Improvisation to explore a unique way of rehearsing for Howard Barker’s “Wounds to the Face” and created a Director’s Workbook for my dissertation.
I felt it important to develop what I had learned in the course and take it further for this project. The continual development of my craft is very important to me and while I have been in Glasgow I have taken a great deal of time to do further study on what interests me and learn through working with other people in my own time. Three topics from my training that have particularly seduced me so far are the work of Michael Chekhov, Chicago-style long-form Improv and, more recently, Viewpoints. In July 2006, I set up an Improv Ensemble and Theatre Company with other actors to explore Long-form Improv with a view to regular performances. I gained a great deal from this project which lasted a year. We would meet three times weekly for three hours at a time and worked to create an ensemble which could create sustained and completely spontaneous performances from an audience suggestion. However, we used the rehearsal time not only to master improvisation skills, but also to deepen and innovate these skills through the work of Michael Chekhov. We also went onto develop some interesting work on archetypes and the ideas of Augusto Boal. As a group I am proud to say we had some very successful performances at the Comedy Festival and the West End Festival, and I gained a great deal as a director in the sense that this gave me great opportunity to explore and innovate. I took much of this work into my final dissertation.
As a result of all this I feel I have a lot to offer in terms of workshops as well as in rehearsal, both with professional actors and young people. Prior to moving to the UK, I worked for 18 months with the Gaiety Youth Theatre company as administrator, assistant director and teacher for young people between the ages of 15 and 19. I very much enjoyed this and learned a lot from supporting them in putting on shows, nurturing their talent and teaching them new skills, allowing them to surprise themselves with talents they never thought they had and instilling them the importance of working as a good ensemble. For this reason I am extremely excited about the possibility of working with -----.
While working as an actor over in Ireland, I gained experience working in the professional industry and its demands with large companies such as The Gate and The Machine. I also did some stage management and costume for Druid and other touring companies. As I mentioned earlier with my acting experience, this knowledge of other facets of working in theatre gives me much more insight into the perspectives of those I am working with as a director so that I can be realistic in what I am asking of them, but also in certain cases, knowing what they are capable of, much braver. When working on a production, however, I find it imperative that I remain conscious at all times of what hat I am wearing in any given situation and act accordingly. From having directed full-scale productions of “Dangerous Liaisons” and “The Talented Mr Ripley” (both of which I am happy to say had sell out performances!) and also having set up my own theatre company, Razed Curtain, for a time, I have had good exposure to the practicalities involved in putting on a production. This includes budgets, fundraising, hiring and organising rehearsals, but most importantly as a director, in being able to come up with inventive and meaningful concepts for shows that are restricted by budget. This, for me, is sometimes a very enjoyable part of my work!
At the end of the day, however, I love directing because I love working with actors. I love finding ways to bring performances out in them that they never thought they were capable of and in delighting the audience through this. I love to create a safe and dynamic rehearsal space where they feel they can give their best and where they genuinely get a sense of their own artistry. This is why Chekhov and Improv and Viewpoints appeal so much to me. I also love directing because I get to involve my passion for music and film and literature and visual arts and travel in creating new worlds that others can co-create and inhabit and witness. I believe in theatre’s capacity to give back to the community and the wider society in rich and life-affirming ways. I believe in drama as a tool for helping people to access parts in themselves they never realised existed, whether as performers or audience members, and this is an important part of why I am applying for this role. I have been living in Glasgow for three years now and this has become my home. I realise this may sound somewhat sentimental, but I have a great liking and admiration for this city and its people and I have enjoyed engaging with them through my theatre practice during my time here. This role would allow me to do this on an even more consistent basis and, through working with -----, allow me to give back more to this community which has made me feel so welcome."
Too sentimental? To passionate? Or am I just a weirdo without knowing it??? Or should I even bother to think about all this? Or will they give me feedback if I ask so I can choose to act on it in future?
Far too many questions...I'm going to download more techno!
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