Ok that's a moot point, because for the next while I will be teaching...thing is, I am not sure if I am really cut out for it! I just can't get past the bit where you have to be comfortable with your students thinking you are an idiot and that it is a waste of time doing your class because they are not getting what they expected out of territory that was previously foreign to them.
Ok that doesn't make sense...what is the balance between pressing on with teaching them necessary skills that will allow them to interact as a group, access their physicalities and think outside the box, and allowing them immediate gratification of "doing scenes" and "being directed" and "playing parts" - simply because they have paid me to teach them "Acting for Fun", they are not professional actors and they just want to see what it is about?
But I don't think they realise that what I am showing them is what it is about! And I don't think they realise how much they are learning...And they are learning. They are a talented, imaginative group...But I need to get the balance between teaching them and pleasing them, even more so that they are not professionals. especially if I want to keep them as customers and continue with my teaching work. And I now know that what I think is fun about acting may not be fun for them...
I know my classes are well-planned and quite integrative, if that's a word, in that all the Chekhov exercises we start with feed into the games we play later on and each class has a strong theme and goal...But I think all that I hold dear is lost on them, perhaps because I find it so hard to communicate. I find communicating my ideas and feelings very difficult in general - so perhaps I am not cut out to teach. And I hate undergoing the necessary resentment, resistance and separation from the group that a teacher has to undergo. I feel so awful to think that they may be regretting spending money on my class. And I am so longing to teach professional actors this stuff and get right into it, BUT professional actors never have the money to do classes!
Hey, but tis still a nice way of getting on top of my debts and earning the freedom for the next stage of my life. And I know from before that teaching has bad days and wonderful days for everybody concerned.
I noticed something about myself yesterday too, in a brief exchange I had with an aquaintance of mine who is my age and has had quite a successful acting career in Ireland - a lovely girl. Part of me is humiliated by the idea that I am teaching acting classes. And it shouldn't be. I don't always feel like that, at times the idea of teaching fills me with joy. But when she said, quite innocently, "Maybe this is the start of a school!" I suddenly came out with "NO! No..." Out of nowhere.
And I know what it was, I couldn't bear the thought of this being my life, stuck here in my home town, committed to my own acting school. I don't know why.
And I started into the exercises on "Entering the Castle" last night - I've been working very slowly and steadily and finally got to the first room...and God the amount of questions in that room are exhausting! They'd keep you going for a month! Well I didn't write cause I was quite tired, but I resolutely pondered some of them for a while, and I'd start and I couldn't get clear answers and then I'd drift off and try to come back...some of the questions just don't hit me but I want to honour them anyway...but I tried and tried this contemplation thing and then I finally asked my soul "Just say something!" Because it sounded like my mind just babbling away in answer to the questions, truths I could grasp but could I live them? Ya dee Ya dee YA!
And then...something new filtered through the mess...I don't know if it was my frazzled mind...something like...the question had been "In what way does your fear of being humiliated control your life?"...well I realised that my fear of committing to anything, anything may have to do with the fear of the humiliation of living a normal life...a life I would perceive as not having infinite possibility, which is nonsense, I know."If I do this, then this closes this off, but I can't do this cause I've no money because I haven't committed to anything. But at least I don't have the humiliation of having an identity that I don't want. Cause I've done that. Bank Worker, ha!"
Ok when I write this down it doesn't make sense. I think it is quite healthy to work towards the life you dream of, but not when you are doing it to avoid humiliation, the inner voice that says mockingly "Oh look there's Seralu. Yeah she never lived up to her potential."
My head is scrambled. There's tinges of shadow in the good isn't there...why am I doing this (whatever it is) ? To "fill my potential" so I don't have to feel guilty and humiliated, or because I just want/need to do it. Seralu, methinks you are still a bit of a phoney m'dear!
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Thought I’d write a few words to help guide you through the fog, and I suppose I can sum it up in just two words.
BE REAL
both in your teaching, and in confronting those 1st Mansion reptiles.
First, the teaching.
Ask yourself the following question: do you really believe in the notion of ‘Acting as Fun’, or is that just a title to lure in the maximum number of paying clients? Be real with yourself, first and foremost, rather than thinking about pleasing any of them. Must one delve deeper for more than mere ‘fun’ to discover the richer treasures of creative fulfilment made possible when deeply engaged and connected with the Present Moment- i.e. the serious fun of making beautiful Art? The answers you get when you pray into this question will provide you with wellsprings of inspiration showing you how best to proceed with the classes. Your students will soon come to realise and accept that they must unlearn many of their assumptions about what acting is if they are to go beyond their presently limited and partial expectations of what is possible. Their fertile imaginations can only really begin to soar when launched from solid technique. There are no real shortcuts to this or we’d all have Oscars on the mantelpiece! Have they come to learn, or just to have fun? Of course they can do both in the hands of a skilled teacher such as you. I would give your students the chance to compare and contrast their achievements in plenary before and after each session, evaluating the progress they’ve made, as this will ensure they appreciate the benefits of what you share with them, the need for patiently dismantling the habits, prejudices and blocks (physical, mental, emotional and spiritual) through Chekhov’s exercises. Applying those lessons to simple improvisations or short texts in an hour of the class will give them a sense of fulfilment that will be so much, much more than just fun!!
Teaching as a vocational career??? After all this time, well I think you know my own feelings on the matter, but that’s me, and not you!! You have to ask yourself what is really behind this resistance to your pal’s idea of setting up a school in Galway. Is it not glamorous or public enough? You have a lot to share, you have so many talents, but teaching is a noble profession, a very high calling, and an excellent way of sharing your gifts- and not just a way of paying the bills. But if there is something ‘higher’ for you, then you shouldn’t hesitate to shine a light onto that and then do all you can to work towards attaining it.
And as for your Castle…
Accept the truth of what you discover about yourself in your first mansion. OK, OK, so you are phoney. What then do you need to do to become more authentic, more faithful to whom God really wants you to be? Other people’s judgements of you, either real or imagined will imprison you in egoic and fearful ways of examining your own life.
Get quiet. Allow God to shine a light deep into your soul when you go into those rooms of yours. Stand and look at the LIGHT that has made you aware of them, not focus on the faults themselves. Resist thinking. You will be tempted to shrink and run away but you have to take it on trust that if you accept and submit to the truth of what you find grace WILL come pouring in, peace and forgiveness too. Of course it’s uncomfortable and humbling- even humiliating-(“Make no mistake!”-CM) but as Theresa says there is no other way! :-) x
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