Keep on walking with your eyes on the ground

I wish I could say "eyes on the horizon" but I have no idea what is on the horizon and I do not dare to imagine what that should consist of...I work hard on my various projects and chances come up, but I am too petrified to hope for any outcomes as I know by now that, in general, nothing comes of those chances. Still I dutifully follow up until I am told again that I am/what I do is not suitable.
I am not being negative here, I am simply speaking of past experience. I am refusing to believe that this will necessarily repeat itself, I am willing myself to have faith that something will come of all this, and I am committing myself to preparing myself for and following up on any opportunities that arise...
I am gonna try keep things as close to my own style as possible though, as that is the only way in which I can sustain interest and courage, and be willing to suffer losses where it wouldn't have worked for me anyway...I am getting good feedback but as they say, "Now show me the money!" Or at least a means of getting closer to making my own living.
I have so much to do right now, there do not seem to be enough hours in the day to do all that I ideally should be doing...there is organising the Club Night with Vincent and Lorena, there is practising my mixing, developing my mixing, practising my piano, practising using Logic and writing songs (not happening at all but at least my class is starting up soon), there is theatre book reading to enhance my classes, there is publicising my classes, organising my classes, there is meditation practice (which I have been sticking to quite faithfully), there is keeping a journal (which is disgracefully sporadic), there is reading for enjoyment (which I am loving at the moment), there is listening to new music for DJing (very difficult as my computer very mysteriously refuses to speak to my iPod and it's better for me to wait till I go to Glasgow to get it looked at...), there is keeping up with correspondence, there was going to be brushing up on my German and Russian (which hasn't happened at all!)
And I still like to see my good friends amidst all that....And of course there is sleeping, which for some reason is sheer heaven at the moment. Since getting my homeopathic remedy, and in a strange way, since enjoying the Vampire books so much, my dreams have been so vivid and I have been sleeping so well. My room is a little bit warmer and my bed so cosy!
So what's happening? Well there are the possibilities of a couple of DJ gigs here in Galway - though the scene is so cliquey and depressing and unfriendly and backwards - though you have to chase people with the ferocity of a pit-bull in order to get them to come back to you at all - though I am not sure if there is an outlet for the type of music I play, even though it is fashionable anywhere else in the world! All I can do is keep trying...maybe it would be almost better to wait till I get to Berlin, so I have no reason to get too attached to this place.
I've recorded a few sets - a bar one which is nice, but kinda specific to a bar so not exactly setting me on fire - and then another one called "Valhalla By Twilight" which is a very beautiful slow-building deep and brooding tech house into techno mix and which I think is the best thing I've ever done. It's been getting alot of comments on Music V2 - one guy said it was one of the most beautiful things he had ever heard, this London girl DJ said she'd love to mix with me sometime (really sweet but I am so slow to get my hopes up!) and another guy is putting it in a music review as he liked it so much.
Strangely enough, Lorena was a little disparaging of it, saying the mixing is perfect but it "doesn't have enough breaks" and "doesn't make her want to get on the dancefloor". I thought this was a bit odd, considering she was saying my other mixes "weren't progressive in style" and that it's clearly a chillout mix. Not all mixes are for dancing. I know she didn't mean it badly, it was just her Argentinian bluntness. but if she wants to hear a dancefloor mix she can go and record it herself instead of telling me what I should be doing.
I take it as an opportunity to gain independence from her opinion. As she was my first teacher, I relied on her opinion alot, now it's time to stand on my own two feet and not be held back. It was the first mix where I felt I was really finding my own style and I am very very proud of it. Nearly everyone else loved it too! Lewis said you could put any major DJs name on it and sell it as a commercial release...
Then there is the chance of being signed with a good agent in Scotland, I think they might possibly be the best. I was recommended to them by a director I had worked with and he told me that they were interested and to send my stuff to them. Unfortunately I don't have any headshots here in Ireland and I certainly need to get new ones done and I can't do that until my hair has grown out a couple more inches so it can be cut into a more classic bob. So I emailed them with my updated CV, an older headshot and a theatre still. It was just before Christmas so I didn't expect them to get it for a while and I waited till the start of January to call them.
When I did the lady seemed very polite although she was very busy. She said she had just got back to the office and hadn't got through all the email yet and to resend it and she would speak to me soon. I told her I was in Ireland just now but in between Galway and Glasgow and she seemed to think that was cool. She seemed to know who I was when I said and said she would call me. So about a week ago I re-emailed the stuff and left it for now. No word. Not that I am worried...I just am so used to everything being a dead end that I am not very optimistic. And I am not sure how to follow up. Surely if she was interested she'd call me? I guess she was interested when Zam spoke about me but when she saw my headshot she thought "I can't get this girl work"!!!
The classes are ok, I did flyering this week and though many of my old students are coming back, I am slower to get phone calls from new ones. Could be something to do with the ole recession I guess...
I'm not down about all this. I just hope things don't follow the previous dead-end fashion. I'm going to commit extra hard to follow things through just to encourage change from my end.

Tales from Home

The last part of August was such a time of upheaval, illness and overall numbness that I couldn't bring myself to write at all. I guess I was in a state of dread at the prospect of a big move (I HATE packing!), a state of alternate futility and rebellion at my job where I seemed to get no financial return for the hours I was putting in, only rudeness from the higher level staff, and all this led to a state of panic about my finances and my energy levels. Blah Blah Blah. You can see why I didn't bother to write about it!!!
So now I am home. And while I am terribly sad to leave my lovely friends in Glasgow, some of whom mean a great deal to me, and while I was terribly touched by the way many of them turned up at such short notice for my leaving drinks at Bar 91, and while part of me is hurting at the thought of my boyfriend being sad at my leaving him and feeling a bit bad that I was so preoccupied and numb in the time running up to my departure, as if I couldn't be present to him in the time that he had left with me...I am feeling much better now. And everything seems to be confirming that this is the right decision.
Nature is everywhere here. And I have said it before but I do not realise how much I have been missing it until I come back into it again. I have had long walks by the sea every day since I have been back. Yesterday I walked for 90 minutes while my Mum had coffee with her friend and it was wonderful. On Thursday the weather was so lovely I even went for a swim in the sea at Blackrock. I haven't done that since I was a child! The water was freezing at first, so much so that I thought I was going to faint as soon as I immersed my body in it, but I quickly got accustomed and swam out to the raft and back twice. And when I got out of the water, my whole body was tingling deliciously and it was a pleasure to wrap myself up warm in my clothes again.
Mum and I have been cooking simple and healthy meals which I have been really enjoying - homemade vegetable soup with open soda bread sandwiches, peppered steak with salad and potatoes, quiche and salad, weetabix and banana. I know all of this is going to bring my energy levels back to the point where I will feel like I can really do things again.
We listened to the first cd of Carolyn Myss' "Entering the Castle" yesterday evening and enjoyed it greatly, I listened to most of the second cd while I walked the prom today. I love what she has to say. I think I will take up her suggestion and take up a private journal as I work through her cd. I definitely want to get the book too. This is a quiet, simple time for me, for rest and reflection, for catching up with myself and for simply letting things happen.
A solution has presented itself for my financial problems, so Mum and I are going to go into the bank on Monday to see if it is possible to implement. I think it will be and it will take all that pressure off. As regards an income, Mum has spoken to the convenience store just three minutes from where we live and it is a quiet area, and they may have some part time work for me, which would be perfect for the moment. So I will find out about that after the weekend.
Even musically things seem to be ironing out so far. First of all, I was pleasantly surprised to read in the paper that one of my favourite DJ/producers Sebastien Leger was to play in the GPO last night. I've wanted to see him for so long and never expected that he would play in Galway as he is quite a big name and we are quite a small city with a limited club scene (apparently). So my brother and his friend Marie came with me last night and we had an absolute blast! The crowd was great, we danced alot and had some friendly banter and got to shake Leger's hand after a really fun set. (Though I wish he had played a little more of his own stuff which is so deliciously clever and quirky and punchy...apparently he writes it on Ableton, or such was the information I managed to elicit from him before he was whisked off in a car!)
On top of that, there is a music course in Logic Express especially for DJs who want to start producing their own music, one evening a week in GTI and it is well reasonable. Mum and I have started a little pot to attract money for it over the next two weeks. And so far I have had a couple of wee windfalls. So I now have €17.50 saved towards the €115 it will cost! (Note for Mark, think the course will be helpful in my work for TB too!)
And FINALLY I got the recording software for my DJ sets working, so the last two days I have recorded an hour of mixing each, to listen back and see what works and what doesn't. Not feeling majorly inspired just now, but pressing on anyhow and so glad to have my complete set-up by the window, looking out on the lawn and the fields beyond...I have a set ready to record and my brother who loves doing graphics is well up for doing the cd covers to hand out.
Also my other brother, Paddy is familiar with Reason (though he has Reason 3) and I am gonna spend a few hours over at his to learn a bit more and hook up his midi controller to my computer so I can do more interesting stuff...
When I have some cash saved and all debts sorted, I am going to get my hair cut (tis an absolute disaster!) and get some new headshots done so I can blitz Dublin and Glasgow with acting cvs. Just to put myself out there and see what comes back...And am thinking of talking to a few places in Galway next week about teaching classes, once it all starts coming together in my head a bit more. There is alot to do, but I have the time and space to do it now...And as I just said, see what comes back. And that will be a clue as to what I am meant to do...

Musical Adventures

I've really been getting busy with my music lately and it's been brilliant! I spent the last two weeks preparing for a 2 hour set at the Classic Grand which I played on Friday and which went down really well. I worked mainly with new tunes which I picked keeping the vibe of the club in mind, but also which appealed to my own taste. In consequence, I feel I have developed my own sound a bit further having stretched myself in this way. It was really fun putting the set together (though a bit exhausting as I would mainly have to do it coming back from work at night) and all the songs seemed to slot into place and into each other much more easily than before. I felt like I had pushed past the wall I hit a couple of months ago where I was holding myself back by being too perfectionistic. (But the perfectionist phase was necessary as it improved my mixing a great deal.)
The main thing I was nervous about with this gig was that it would be my first time playing on a big club system and I was worried about controlling the levels well enough to get a good sound while putting the bass up more than usual. Also I didn't know how responsive my mixer would be when put through the club mixer. But it was fine! I will need a better mixer which can handle more sound and which I can hear the headphones through a bit better (think my headphones may be a bit buggered as a result of the last night as I had to have them up full blast but still couldn't hear...) But all in all I was delighted. The dancefloor was full, people seemed to be really enjoying themselves and told me so afterwards.
But the best thing is that a guy came up to me, he thought my set was fantastic and wanted me to play at another night that he was involved in organising! And turns out he organises gigs in Ireland too and he's well up for me playing there. Anyhoo I gave him my number and hopefully he will get back in touch. If not, there is another gig at Pivo Pivo on the 6th November!
I really love DJing. I love music. I love putting a set together and choosing songs and sharing them with people. And I love the utter absorption it demands of you, you can get completely lost in it. And it's all self-motivated! You don't have to wait for people to show up to work with you or worry about what kinda mood they are gonna be in, you don't have to wait for an opportunity to practise...
So on the Sunday when I had my day off from work, Lewis and I went about town and got stuff together for me to make my new demo. Blank cds and all the stuff you need to print up the covers for them and 2 phono jacks for my soundcard so I can make an extra output in order to be able to record. That is still the sticking point. I downloaded Audacity so I think I may have it solved. Will just need to give it a try the next time I am over at my flat. And Christina took some beautiful pictures at the gig which I will ask if I can use for promo shots.
Then yesterday I went over to a guy called Adam's house to record vocals over one of his electronica tracks. He'd been at a party in my house as he is friends with Vincent and Lorena and played at one of their gigs and he heard my tune on MySpace and liked my voice and thought it would suit this track. I was a bit nervous because I haven't recorded in about six years! But it was a really nice song, quite a sad piece of music and the lyrics quite sparsely visual like Joy Division. I think we got a few good takes for them to use. I really really enjoyed it and I think I will probably be working with them on some further tracks. I would like to anyhow.
But the best news is that I finally have a copy of Reason 4!!! I just find Logic so inaccessible for starting to compose and though I know it will come in handy later (it had better, or it will be a waste of £125), Reason 4 is so visual and practical. Lewis is quite familiar with the earlier version so we are planning to sit down this morning and play with it which will be a good way for me to get to know it...I can't wait! Once I get into that system, I know I can really get to work. And Adam gave me a magazine which is sort of an unofficial guide to the program with lots of user-friendly screenshots etc.
So tis truly an adventure! My wish-list is growing though. Let's see...
Full-version Traktor
New mixer with effects panel
Samson G-Track
Midi Controller
Colour Printer (for demo covers and acting stuff too!)
Oh I love technology...but only once I am friends with it!

De-stasing

I'm not going to talk about how stuck and alternately lethargic and irritable I feel since getting back, like a caged animal only I can't for the life of me see where any real cage is...instead I'm going to talk about things I'm gonna do so I don't feel like I am drowning in molasses any longer. I think not thinking about what I need to do is paralysing me further...

I know I need to start meditating in earnest and not just lying back and listening passively to cds. It's not that I feel like I should, it's that I actually know it would be the best thing for me, so why do I never start?

I think its the state of my flat. I never feel like doing things like that unless I am in control of my surroundings and I've given up making an effort in my flat. It just gets messed straight away and things never remain where they live and there is something so stagnant about the atmosphere in there, I don't know what it is, but I always feel turned off doing anything mildly creative in there or ANYTHING. But I know if I tidy it and clear out everything I don't need in readiness for putting everything in storage I will feel better.

I need to get over to my old flat, go through everything I have in there, decide what is rubbish, what I am giving away and what I am putting into storage. The sooner I do this the better I think!

I need to finalise my set for Friday. I love my new tunes, I have the shape of a really wonderful set, a sense of wholeness and identity that was lacking before. I just need to work in some extra tracks to the overall shape to make it two hours.

I need to record the condensed version of my set, upload it to myspace and elecktra.

I need to get headshots done.

I need to get my DJ promo headshots done.

I need to figure out how to make a demo cd cover with these shots and copy my set onto cd so I have these demos to hand out.

I need to go to the Ramshorn and order shots from all the productions I have been in.

I need to talk to the bank in Ireland. (Oh my finances have never been in such a state!!!)

I think that's enough for now...I have this feeling that just clearing all my stuff is the main thing I want to do for now. I just feel like getting rid, clearing space for everything. Nothing on the outside seems to match the inside anymore, it all seems old and tired and worn. Or maybe I do. I shouldn't, it seems I do nothing but sleep. And I like being alone.

Home

It is so good to be home, albeit under sad circumstances. Although the circumstances have allowed me to witness and appreciate what a wonderful wonderful family I have, of which my aunt Geraldine (who passed away on Saturday after a 9 year battle with cancer) was, and will continue to be by the shining example of a life well-lived, an integral part. Over the last few years, even though I have been away, I have felt us all being pulled closer together all the time. I see my Mum and my Uncles grow into their middle years with such grace and integrity and I see them being drawn ever nearer and nearer back into a family unit in spite of (or maybe because of) the absence of my Grandmother as a unifying figure.
I see my Uncle Michael, a zealous born-again Christian, who has mellowed alot in recent years - having ceased trying to save us from the fires of hell by converting us, to extending to us all an acceptance and a grace in spite of his very sincere fears of the repercussions of our not having Jesus in our hearts - I see him wrestling bravely with placing this tragedy into a context he can understand and find comforting. Although I may not agree with some of his ideas, I look for where they do meet with mine, and I feel privileged to be there to listen to him and gently encourage him as he struggles to make sense with this. I noticed when I arrived that he addressed all his thoughts to me as he spoke, perhaps he felt comfortable to do so, as his religion has been such a bug-bear in the past among his siblings and with me he was on more neutral ground. I didn't propound any of my own thoughts except where I could agree and elaborate on what he was saying. I just felt so glad there was some way in which I could be there. And whatever form it may take, whether I agree with the tenor of it or not, I know his faith is strong and will bring him through.
My cousins, his children are such lovely children, or young adults should I say. I think it meant alot to Matthew, the eldest that I had come straight over, and that meant alot to me! Mum and I went over last night and we could feel how constricted they felt, being bound to the house while still unable to grasp what had happened, yearning for a little normality, so I started taking the mick out of Mum and she gladly let me just because it was so good to see them laughing. And I am so glad that I will be home for a few months in September to be there for the two girls when they go back to school. My plans to come home for a while are making more and more sense in the broader scheme of things.
First of all there is greenery everywhere! I haven't been in town yet, except for when the bus pulled in. I miss nature so much when I live in the city. I understand why I feel so trapped at times, yes there are parks, but it is not the same. And this is my corner of nature. I know it so well...I always feel so much more creative when I am home with Mum as well. Our family are not big ones for getting together and have big family chats although we do do that at times. We much prefer to just be together in the same house and potter about doing our own things. I get so much done that way...Mum and I spent a long time this afternoon together, her making flower arrangements for the funeral (she is truly an artist when it comes to floristry) and me putting a set together with all my new tunes for the DJ gig which Ryan has so kindly offered me on the 15th August. I think it's one of the best sets I've ever played and I hope I can build on it. I look forward to being home and continuing to be creative in many ways. I've felt so blocked for so long, because I always thought of it as a means to an end. Now it is coming clear that it is just a way to be and if something comes of it good and well but my only duty to the world is to feed and clothe and shelter myself, one doesn't need a fancy job that makes one miserable to do that!!!
I was reading, finishing actually, "The Gift of Change" by Marianne Williamson today - a book I look forward to rereading - and in the last chapter she discussed change and how it takes time. She talked about in-betweeny stages where a new self is being born and how these transitions cannot be rushed or forced as you need to grow into this new self. And in the chapter before she talked about God's plan and how it is synonymous with your happiness, they are not things you need to choose between. I feel so certain that coming home now is the right thing to do. Why I do not know, but I know.