If the non-grasping mind is something to be attained (though attained is a poor choice of word giving what I am attempting to describe, although I like the irony so I will keep it in...), if I were to spell out the meaning of where I am and what I should "strive" for (har har har!) - that would be just about it. Life is holding out beautiful promises, and yet it is asking me not to need them. It is asking me to look to what is going on now and love that instead. He is being rather tough and humorous, is God, and I love him for it.
I am trying. I let myself wriggle a bit in desire and expectation, but I try to laugh at myself as much as possible. These promises, these possible sunrises hint at gorgeous colours, but I know that last week I never saw the hint of them before and I was happy in greyness then. A very solid, tangible kind of happiness. You can own greyness. You can illuminate it. You can make moments by yourself and you can dream grey fantasies like forties movies. You can watch them again and again until they become part of you, part of your private fabric which you need never share with anyone.
But, if those New Thought people are to be believed, pure fantasy is a dangerous beast. Suddenly those mere details that you had meant to be alternate or purely Platonic, because you were happy in Limbo, start to materialise in shocking reality - in numbers, in faces, in words, in actions, in situations - and suddenly you have to react to them. You have suddenly created a language of signs which start to show up every where you go, on buses, in shop windows and they begin to promise...You begin to think you know what they mean.
Because of your movies, you are prepared for your role, you think, you know what to do next...and then some naughty God presses the pause button on everything and you think ( you are actually given the luxury of thinking) "Well, how will I feel if this doesn't come true?" or "How will I feel if it does?" and then "Ok, but what if it is slightly different?"
There are inklings of rightness and there are the reptiles and sometimes the reptiles wear movie star masks and vice versa and suddenly you are wanting, but you don't know what you are wanting, you are just wanting, because what was is not and cannot be again and what will be is not either and may never be...you don't know what will be, you have done what you can do, you have played your scenes.
Showing posts with label God's Will. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God's Will. Show all posts
Tuesday, 10 February 2009
Thursday, 15 January 2009
Keep on walking with your eyes on the ground
I wish I could say "eyes on the horizon" but I have no idea what is on the horizon and I do not dare to imagine what that should consist of...I work hard on my various projects and chances come up, but I am too petrified to hope for any outcomes as I know by now that, in general, nothing comes of those chances. Still I dutifully follow up until I am told again that I am/what I do is not suitable.
I am not being negative here, I am simply speaking of past experience. I am refusing to believe that this will necessarily repeat itself, I am willing myself to have faith that something will come of all this, and I am committing myself to preparing myself for and following up on any opportunities that arise...
I am gonna try keep things as close to my own style as possible though, as that is the only way in which I can sustain interest and courage, and be willing to suffer losses where it wouldn't have worked for me anyway...I am getting good feedback but as they say, "Now show me the money!" Or at least a means of getting closer to making my own living.
I have so much to do right now, there do not seem to be enough hours in the day to do all that I ideally should be doing...there is organising the Club Night with Vincent and Lorena, there is practising my mixing, developing my mixing, practising my piano, practising using Logic and writing songs (not happening at all but at least my class is starting up soon), there is theatre book reading to enhance my classes, there is publicising my classes, organising my classes, there is meditation practice (which I have been sticking to quite faithfully), there is keeping a journal (which is disgracefully sporadic), there is reading for enjoyment (which I am loving at the moment), there is listening to new music for DJing (very difficult as my computer very mysteriously refuses to speak to my iPod and it's better for me to wait till I go to Glasgow to get it looked at...), there is keeping up with correspondence, there was going to be brushing up on my German and Russian (which hasn't happened at all!)
And I still like to see my good friends amidst all that....And of course there is sleeping, which for some reason is sheer heaven at the moment. Since getting my homeopathic remedy, and in a strange way, since enjoying the Vampire books so much, my dreams have been so vivid and I have been sleeping so well. My room is a little bit warmer and my bed so cosy!
So what's happening? Well there are the possibilities of a couple of DJ gigs here in Galway - though the scene is so cliquey and depressing and unfriendly and backwards - though you have to chase people with the ferocity of a pit-bull in order to get them to come back to you at all - though I am not sure if there is an outlet for the type of music I play, even though it is fashionable anywhere else in the world! All I can do is keep trying...maybe it would be almost better to wait till I get to Berlin, so I have no reason to get too attached to this place.
I've recorded a few sets - a bar one which is nice, but kinda specific to a bar so not exactly setting me on fire - and then another one called "Valhalla By Twilight" which is a very beautiful slow-building deep and brooding tech house into techno mix and which I think is the best thing I've ever done. It's been getting alot of comments on Music V2 - one guy said it was one of the most beautiful things he had ever heard, this London girl DJ said she'd love to mix with me sometime (really sweet but I am so slow to get my hopes up!) and another guy is putting it in a music review as he liked it so much.
Strangely enough, Lorena was a little disparaging of it, saying the mixing is perfect but it "doesn't have enough breaks" and "doesn't make her want to get on the dancefloor". I thought this was a bit odd, considering she was saying my other mixes "weren't progressive in style" and that it's clearly a chillout mix. Not all mixes are for dancing. I know she didn't mean it badly, it was just her Argentinian bluntness. but if she wants to hear a dancefloor mix she can go and record it herself instead of telling me what I should be doing.
I take it as an opportunity to gain independence from her opinion. As she was my first teacher, I relied on her opinion alot, now it's time to stand on my own two feet and not be held back. It was the first mix where I felt I was really finding my own style and I am very very proud of it. Nearly everyone else loved it too! Lewis said you could put any major DJs name on it and sell it as a commercial release...
Then there is the chance of being signed with a good agent in Scotland, I think they might possibly be the best. I was recommended to them by a director I had worked with and he told me that they were interested and to send my stuff to them. Unfortunately I don't have any headshots here in Ireland and I certainly need to get new ones done and I can't do that until my hair has grown out a couple more inches so it can be cut into a more classic bob. So I emailed them with my updated CV, an older headshot and a theatre still. It was just before Christmas so I didn't expect them to get it for a while and I waited till the start of January to call them.
When I did the lady seemed very polite although she was very busy. She said she had just got back to the office and hadn't got through all the email yet and to resend it and she would speak to me soon. I told her I was in Ireland just now but in between Galway and Glasgow and she seemed to think that was cool. She seemed to know who I was when I said and said she would call me. So about a week ago I re-emailed the stuff and left it for now. No word. Not that I am worried...I just am so used to everything being a dead end that I am not very optimistic. And I am not sure how to follow up. Surely if she was interested she'd call me? I guess she was interested when Zam spoke about me but when she saw my headshot she thought "I can't get this girl work"!!!
The classes are ok, I did flyering this week and though many of my old students are coming back, I am slower to get phone calls from new ones. Could be something to do with the ole recession I guess...
I'm not down about all this. I just hope things don't follow the previous dead-end fashion. I'm going to commit extra hard to follow things through just to encourage change from my end.
I am not being negative here, I am simply speaking of past experience. I am refusing to believe that this will necessarily repeat itself, I am willing myself to have faith that something will come of all this, and I am committing myself to preparing myself for and following up on any opportunities that arise...
I am gonna try keep things as close to my own style as possible though, as that is the only way in which I can sustain interest and courage, and be willing to suffer losses where it wouldn't have worked for me anyway...I am getting good feedback but as they say, "Now show me the money!" Or at least a means of getting closer to making my own living.
I have so much to do right now, there do not seem to be enough hours in the day to do all that I ideally should be doing...there is organising the Club Night with Vincent and Lorena, there is practising my mixing, developing my mixing, practising my piano, practising using Logic and writing songs (not happening at all but at least my class is starting up soon), there is theatre book reading to enhance my classes, there is publicising my classes, organising my classes, there is meditation practice (which I have been sticking to quite faithfully), there is keeping a journal (which is disgracefully sporadic), there is reading for enjoyment (which I am loving at the moment), there is listening to new music for DJing (very difficult as my computer very mysteriously refuses to speak to my iPod and it's better for me to wait till I go to Glasgow to get it looked at...), there is keeping up with correspondence, there was going to be brushing up on my German and Russian (which hasn't happened at all!)
And I still like to see my good friends amidst all that....And of course there is sleeping, which for some reason is sheer heaven at the moment. Since getting my homeopathic remedy, and in a strange way, since enjoying the Vampire books so much, my dreams have been so vivid and I have been sleeping so well. My room is a little bit warmer and my bed so cosy!
So what's happening? Well there are the possibilities of a couple of DJ gigs here in Galway - though the scene is so cliquey and depressing and unfriendly and backwards - though you have to chase people with the ferocity of a pit-bull in order to get them to come back to you at all - though I am not sure if there is an outlet for the type of music I play, even though it is fashionable anywhere else in the world! All I can do is keep trying...maybe it would be almost better to wait till I get to Berlin, so I have no reason to get too attached to this place.
I've recorded a few sets - a bar one which is nice, but kinda specific to a bar so not exactly setting me on fire - and then another one called "Valhalla By Twilight" which is a very beautiful slow-building deep and brooding tech house into techno mix and which I think is the best thing I've ever done. It's been getting alot of comments on Music V2 - one guy said it was one of the most beautiful things he had ever heard, this London girl DJ said she'd love to mix with me sometime (really sweet but I am so slow to get my hopes up!) and another guy is putting it in a music review as he liked it so much.
Strangely enough, Lorena was a little disparaging of it, saying the mixing is perfect but it "doesn't have enough breaks" and "doesn't make her want to get on the dancefloor". I thought this was a bit odd, considering she was saying my other mixes "weren't progressive in style" and that it's clearly a chillout mix. Not all mixes are for dancing. I know she didn't mean it badly, it was just her Argentinian bluntness. but if she wants to hear a dancefloor mix she can go and record it herself instead of telling me what I should be doing.
I take it as an opportunity to gain independence from her opinion. As she was my first teacher, I relied on her opinion alot, now it's time to stand on my own two feet and not be held back. It was the first mix where I felt I was really finding my own style and I am very very proud of it. Nearly everyone else loved it too! Lewis said you could put any major DJs name on it and sell it as a commercial release...
Then there is the chance of being signed with a good agent in Scotland, I think they might possibly be the best. I was recommended to them by a director I had worked with and he told me that they were interested and to send my stuff to them. Unfortunately I don't have any headshots here in Ireland and I certainly need to get new ones done and I can't do that until my hair has grown out a couple more inches so it can be cut into a more classic bob. So I emailed them with my updated CV, an older headshot and a theatre still. It was just before Christmas so I didn't expect them to get it for a while and I waited till the start of January to call them.
When I did the lady seemed very polite although she was very busy. She said she had just got back to the office and hadn't got through all the email yet and to resend it and she would speak to me soon. I told her I was in Ireland just now but in between Galway and Glasgow and she seemed to think that was cool. She seemed to know who I was when I said and said she would call me. So about a week ago I re-emailed the stuff and left it for now. No word. Not that I am worried...I just am so used to everything being a dead end that I am not very optimistic. And I am not sure how to follow up. Surely if she was interested she'd call me? I guess she was interested when Zam spoke about me but when she saw my headshot she thought "I can't get this girl work"!!!
The classes are ok, I did flyering this week and though many of my old students are coming back, I am slower to get phone calls from new ones. Could be something to do with the ole recession I guess...
I'm not down about all this. I just hope things don't follow the previous dead-end fashion. I'm going to commit extra hard to follow things through just to encourage change from my end.
Friday, 21 November 2008
The Waking by Theodore Roethke
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I have to go.
We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
Of those so close beside me, which are you?
God bless the Ground! I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I have to go.
Light takes the Tree; but who can tell us how?
The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
Great Nature has another thing to do
To you and me, so take the lively air,
And, lovely, learn by going where to go.
This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I have to go.
We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
Of those so close beside me, which are you?
God bless the Ground! I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I have to go.
Light takes the Tree; but who can tell us how?
The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
Great Nature has another thing to do
To you and me, so take the lively air,
And, lovely, learn by going where to go.
This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go.
Saturday, 4 October 2008
Will You Go?
I had a dream the other night and for the first time in my life I woke up and realised that this was not a dream, it was a vision. It seemed to come from beyond the mess of my subconscious, its content was so much bigger than me like something bigger than me was speaking through me.
I don't know where to begin with describing it, it was a synthesis of so many big things that made sense and yet when I woke up I knew exactly what was being said to me. It was a question being asked of me, a big question set so perfectly in the context of all that I have been preoccupied lately.
I'm not going to go into all the details, I'll just try to put the most important points. I wonder is it right of me to communicate a vision here, but maybe putting it into words will lead me into it again...
Before this part of the dream, I was dreaming normal dreams, there was something about the novel "War and Peace" and being stuck around two difficult men staying in my home who hated and were cruel to me and yet I was being forced (perhaps by my family or mum, I can't recall) to put up with them and suppress increasing violent rage...none of it really stuck out, it was one of those dreams that you knew was processing some emotion or other, I don't know and I don't know where the novel came in anyway...
It was a new sequence, the start of which is really really vague for me and makes no logical sense but yes has a kinaesthetic feeling of rightness. I was at the cinema watching one of the "Three Colours" movies, but there seemed to be some confusion about which one it was. The movie was over, but there seemed to be a bit at the end which I was compelled to stay on for. (Actually that is the case with that particular trilogy, a sequence at the end which ties together all three movies)
I was watching it, but suddenly I was in it...I was one of the extras and though the main female role was being played by Julie Delpy (the heroine of Three Colours White which is my favourite of the three) by the end of it, it was me.
I went through a post office to a garden where a man was waiting for something. (There had been something about a train station too which I couldn't recall.) He had been waiting there for some time and a crowd had joined him. I wasn't sure if the thing he was waiting for had already arrived and recurred on a regular basis or if it hadn't arrived yet.
It was night and we were waiting for the coming of something, we didn't know what it was and he didn't say what it was. He was an older man, like an older version of Jean-Marc Barr out of "The Big Blue", a man I think is really beautiful looking. He just played with children but he was waiting for the heroine too. She didn't know why she was there. It was an uneasy wait, people were jostling, someone fell into a pond and she fished them out. We were looking up into the sky. There was a sense of "What are we waiting for? Why are we here? Will it even come?"
The sky was grey with wispy clouds, the garden was dark. "Ah" I thought, wanting to make sense, wanting to know what I was expecting before it even came. "We are waiting for the dawn. Perhaps we are all waiting for the dawn to come so that we can see the new day together and realise how beautiful it is so we can all live new lives." This comforted me.
And then the dawn came and I was the heroine. Yes the dawn was beautiful, the sky illuminated with colour beyond anything that you can ordinarily conceive. Here I began to realise that this was coming from somewhere so far beyond me that it was so much BIGGER than what I had been expecting. And it was a terrible frightening beauty because suddenly the earth began to shake, things fell from the sky and the world as we knew it began to be destroyed.
The man drew me to him, he alone had known that this would happen, and that there was hope in this, it needed to be. As I drew close I lost my fear. "I have loved you forever and ever" he said to me (or something to that effect but MORE, the feeling was more than the words) "I have been waiting for you. Will you go?"
"Will you go?" I woke up with this question blazed at the forefront of my mind and a distinct certainty that "This is no mere dream."
A small postscript which could be my fancy and means nothing but strikes me as amusing and hindsightful...two days later I met an man who looked like an older Jean-Marc Barr!
I don't know where to begin with describing it, it was a synthesis of so many big things that made sense and yet when I woke up I knew exactly what was being said to me. It was a question being asked of me, a big question set so perfectly in the context of all that I have been preoccupied lately.
I'm not going to go into all the details, I'll just try to put the most important points. I wonder is it right of me to communicate a vision here, but maybe putting it into words will lead me into it again...
Before this part of the dream, I was dreaming normal dreams, there was something about the novel "War and Peace" and being stuck around two difficult men staying in my home who hated and were cruel to me and yet I was being forced (perhaps by my family or mum, I can't recall) to put up with them and suppress increasing violent rage...none of it really stuck out, it was one of those dreams that you knew was processing some emotion or other, I don't know and I don't know where the novel came in anyway...
It was a new sequence, the start of which is really really vague for me and makes no logical sense but yes has a kinaesthetic feeling of rightness. I was at the cinema watching one of the "Three Colours" movies, but there seemed to be some confusion about which one it was. The movie was over, but there seemed to be a bit at the end which I was compelled to stay on for. (Actually that is the case with that particular trilogy, a sequence at the end which ties together all three movies)
I was watching it, but suddenly I was in it...I was one of the extras and though the main female role was being played by Julie Delpy (the heroine of Three Colours White which is my favourite of the three) by the end of it, it was me.
I went through a post office to a garden where a man was waiting for something. (There had been something about a train station too which I couldn't recall.) He had been waiting there for some time and a crowd had joined him. I wasn't sure if the thing he was waiting for had already arrived and recurred on a regular basis or if it hadn't arrived yet.
It was night and we were waiting for the coming of something, we didn't know what it was and he didn't say what it was. He was an older man, like an older version of Jean-Marc Barr out of "The Big Blue", a man I think is really beautiful looking. He just played with children but he was waiting for the heroine too. She didn't know why she was there. It was an uneasy wait, people were jostling, someone fell into a pond and she fished them out. We were looking up into the sky. There was a sense of "What are we waiting for? Why are we here? Will it even come?"
The sky was grey with wispy clouds, the garden was dark. "Ah" I thought, wanting to make sense, wanting to know what I was expecting before it even came. "We are waiting for the dawn. Perhaps we are all waiting for the dawn to come so that we can see the new day together and realise how beautiful it is so we can all live new lives." This comforted me.
And then the dawn came and I was the heroine. Yes the dawn was beautiful, the sky illuminated with colour beyond anything that you can ordinarily conceive. Here I began to realise that this was coming from somewhere so far beyond me that it was so much BIGGER than what I had been expecting. And it was a terrible frightening beauty because suddenly the earth began to shake, things fell from the sky and the world as we knew it began to be destroyed.
The man drew me to him, he alone had known that this would happen, and that there was hope in this, it needed to be. As I drew close I lost my fear. "I have loved you forever and ever" he said to me (or something to that effect but MORE, the feeling was more than the words) "I have been waiting for you. Will you go?"
"Will you go?" I woke up with this question blazed at the forefront of my mind and a distinct certainty that "This is no mere dream."
A small postscript which could be my fancy and means nothing but strikes me as amusing and hindsightful...two days later I met an man who looked like an older Jean-Marc Barr!
Monday, 8 September 2008
The Lesson of Recession
It's all they have been talking about in Ireland, much more so than in Scotland before I left. I guess because the Celtic Tiger had made such a dramatic change in our economy and outlook. Now apparently all the builder's cheques are bouncing, my Uncle says the Building Industry could single-handedly bring down the banks.
So a strange time for me to downsize my life so drastically? I don't know. Perhaps my life is a microcosm of the nation as a whole. I think we are going to need to learn to downsize and simplify quite considerably. And I don't think that is a bad thing. Over the past few days I have been looking at how I am going to manage to live and it's not too scary if I am willing to focus on what I have got and on what interests me. If I am willing to live simply and learn new skills in not wasting resources or money but keeping it only for what matters, I think the quality of my life is going to improve greatly.
Perhaps the whole world needs to learn that. Maybe that is why the recession is coming, to restore us to some form of equilibrium. To reappraise our priorities. To learn to really take care of ourselves, not cater to passing whims (of which I have been guilty), to learn to take care of one another, to learn humility again, to rediscover what simple pleasures are, what true dignity is as opposed to the status conferred by money. I hope Ireland learns this lesson well.
So a strange time for me to downsize my life so drastically? I don't know. Perhaps my life is a microcosm of the nation as a whole. I think we are going to need to learn to downsize and simplify quite considerably. And I don't think that is a bad thing. Over the past few days I have been looking at how I am going to manage to live and it's not too scary if I am willing to focus on what I have got and on what interests me. If I am willing to live simply and learn new skills in not wasting resources or money but keeping it only for what matters, I think the quality of my life is going to improve greatly.
Perhaps the whole world needs to learn that. Maybe that is why the recession is coming, to restore us to some form of equilibrium. To reappraise our priorities. To learn to really take care of ourselves, not cater to passing whims (of which I have been guilty), to learn to take care of one another, to learn humility again, to rediscover what simple pleasures are, what true dignity is as opposed to the status conferred by money. I hope Ireland learns this lesson well.
Saturday, 6 September 2008
Tales from Home
The last part of August was such a time of upheaval, illness and overall numbness that I couldn't bring myself to write at all. I guess I was in a state of dread at the prospect of a big move (I HATE packing!), a state of alternate futility and rebellion at my job where I seemed to get no financial return for the hours I was putting in, only rudeness from the higher level staff, and all this led to a state of panic about my finances and my energy levels. Blah Blah Blah. You can see why I didn't bother to write about it!!!
So now I am home. And while I am terribly sad to leave my lovely friends in Glasgow, some of whom mean a great deal to me, and while I was terribly touched by the way many of them turned up at such short notice for my leaving drinks at Bar 91, and while part of me is hurting at the thought of my boyfriend being sad at my leaving him and feeling a bit bad that I was so preoccupied and numb in the time running up to my departure, as if I couldn't be present to him in the time that he had left with me...I am feeling much better now. And everything seems to be confirming that this is the right decision.
Nature is everywhere here. And I have said it before but I do not realise how much I have been missing it until I come back into it again. I have had long walks by the sea every day since I have been back. Yesterday I walked for 90 minutes while my Mum had coffee with her friend and it was wonderful. On Thursday the weather was so lovely I even went for a swim in the sea at Blackrock. I haven't done that since I was a child! The water was freezing at first, so much so that I thought I was going to faint as soon as I immersed my body in it, but I quickly got accustomed and swam out to the raft and back twice. And when I got out of the water, my whole body was tingling deliciously and it was a pleasure to wrap myself up warm in my clothes again.
Mum and I have been cooking simple and healthy meals which I have been really enjoying - homemade vegetable soup with open soda bread sandwiches, peppered steak with salad and potatoes, quiche and salad, weetabix and banana. I know all of this is going to bring my energy levels back to the point where I will feel like I can really do things again.
We listened to the first cd of Carolyn Myss' "Entering the Castle" yesterday evening and enjoyed it greatly, I listened to most of the second cd while I walked the prom today. I love what she has to say. I think I will take up her suggestion and take up a private journal as I work through her cd. I definitely want to get the book too. This is a quiet, simple time for me, for rest and reflection, for catching up with myself and for simply letting things happen.
A solution has presented itself for my financial problems, so Mum and I are going to go into the bank on Monday to see if it is possible to implement. I think it will be and it will take all that pressure off. As regards an income, Mum has spoken to the convenience store just three minutes from where we live and it is a quiet area, and they may have some part time work for me, which would be perfect for the moment. So I will find out about that after the weekend.
Even musically things seem to be ironing out so far. First of all, I was pleasantly surprised to read in the paper that one of my favourite DJ/producers Sebastien Leger was to play in the GPO last night. I've wanted to see him for so long and never expected that he would play in Galway as he is quite a big name and we are quite a small city with a limited club scene (apparently). So my brother and his friend Marie came with me last night and we had an absolute blast! The crowd was great, we danced alot and had some friendly banter and got to shake Leger's hand after a really fun set. (Though I wish he had played a little more of his own stuff which is so deliciously clever and quirky and punchy...apparently he writes it on Ableton, or such was the information I managed to elicit from him before he was whisked off in a car!)
On top of that, there is a music course in Logic Express especially for DJs who want to start producing their own music, one evening a week in GTI and it is well reasonable. Mum and I have started a little pot to attract money for it over the next two weeks. And so far I have had a couple of wee windfalls. So I now have €17.50 saved towards the €115 it will cost! (Note for Mark, think the course will be helpful in my work for TB too!)
And FINALLY I got the recording software for my DJ sets working, so the last two days I have recorded an hour of mixing each, to listen back and see what works and what doesn't. Not feeling majorly inspired just now, but pressing on anyhow and so glad to have my complete set-up by the window, looking out on the lawn and the fields beyond...I have a set ready to record and my brother who loves doing graphics is well up for doing the cd covers to hand out.
Also my other brother, Paddy is familiar with Reason (though he has Reason 3) and I am gonna spend a few hours over at his to learn a bit more and hook up his midi controller to my computer so I can do more interesting stuff...
When I have some cash saved and all debts sorted, I am going to get my hair cut (tis an absolute disaster!) and get some new headshots done so I can blitz Dublin and Glasgow with acting cvs. Just to put myself out there and see what comes back...And am thinking of talking to a few places in Galway next week about teaching classes, once it all starts coming together in my head a bit more. There is alot to do, but I have the time and space to do it now...And as I just said, see what comes back. And that will be a clue as to what I am meant to do...
So now I am home. And while I am terribly sad to leave my lovely friends in Glasgow, some of whom mean a great deal to me, and while I was terribly touched by the way many of them turned up at such short notice for my leaving drinks at Bar 91, and while part of me is hurting at the thought of my boyfriend being sad at my leaving him and feeling a bit bad that I was so preoccupied and numb in the time running up to my departure, as if I couldn't be present to him in the time that he had left with me...I am feeling much better now. And everything seems to be confirming that this is the right decision.
Nature is everywhere here. And I have said it before but I do not realise how much I have been missing it until I come back into it again. I have had long walks by the sea every day since I have been back. Yesterday I walked for 90 minutes while my Mum had coffee with her friend and it was wonderful. On Thursday the weather was so lovely I even went for a swim in the sea at Blackrock. I haven't done that since I was a child! The water was freezing at first, so much so that I thought I was going to faint as soon as I immersed my body in it, but I quickly got accustomed and swam out to the raft and back twice. And when I got out of the water, my whole body was tingling deliciously and it was a pleasure to wrap myself up warm in my clothes again.
Mum and I have been cooking simple and healthy meals which I have been really enjoying - homemade vegetable soup with open soda bread sandwiches, peppered steak with salad and potatoes, quiche and salad, weetabix and banana. I know all of this is going to bring my energy levels back to the point where I will feel like I can really do things again.
We listened to the first cd of Carolyn Myss' "Entering the Castle" yesterday evening and enjoyed it greatly, I listened to most of the second cd while I walked the prom today. I love what she has to say. I think I will take up her suggestion and take up a private journal as I work through her cd. I definitely want to get the book too. This is a quiet, simple time for me, for rest and reflection, for catching up with myself and for simply letting things happen.
A solution has presented itself for my financial problems, so Mum and I are going to go into the bank on Monday to see if it is possible to implement. I think it will be and it will take all that pressure off. As regards an income, Mum has spoken to the convenience store just three minutes from where we live and it is a quiet area, and they may have some part time work for me, which would be perfect for the moment. So I will find out about that after the weekend.
Even musically things seem to be ironing out so far. First of all, I was pleasantly surprised to read in the paper that one of my favourite DJ/producers Sebastien Leger was to play in the GPO last night. I've wanted to see him for so long and never expected that he would play in Galway as he is quite a big name and we are quite a small city with a limited club scene (apparently). So my brother and his friend Marie came with me last night and we had an absolute blast! The crowd was great, we danced alot and had some friendly banter and got to shake Leger's hand after a really fun set. (Though I wish he had played a little more of his own stuff which is so deliciously clever and quirky and punchy...apparently he writes it on Ableton, or such was the information I managed to elicit from him before he was whisked off in a car!)
On top of that, there is a music course in Logic Express especially for DJs who want to start producing their own music, one evening a week in GTI and it is well reasonable. Mum and I have started a little pot to attract money for it over the next two weeks. And so far I have had a couple of wee windfalls. So I now have €17.50 saved towards the €115 it will cost! (Note for Mark, think the course will be helpful in my work for TB too!)
And FINALLY I got the recording software for my DJ sets working, so the last two days I have recorded an hour of mixing each, to listen back and see what works and what doesn't. Not feeling majorly inspired just now, but pressing on anyhow and so glad to have my complete set-up by the window, looking out on the lawn and the fields beyond...I have a set ready to record and my brother who loves doing graphics is well up for doing the cd covers to hand out.
Also my other brother, Paddy is familiar with Reason (though he has Reason 3) and I am gonna spend a few hours over at his to learn a bit more and hook up his midi controller to my computer so I can do more interesting stuff...
When I have some cash saved and all debts sorted, I am going to get my hair cut (tis an absolute disaster!) and get some new headshots done so I can blitz Dublin and Glasgow with acting cvs. Just to put myself out there and see what comes back...And am thinking of talking to a few places in Galway next week about teaching classes, once it all starts coming together in my head a bit more. There is alot to do, but I have the time and space to do it now...And as I just said, see what comes back. And that will be a clue as to what I am meant to do...
Tuesday, 5 August 2008
Home
It is so good to be home, albeit under sad circumstances. Although the circumstances have allowed me to witness and appreciate what a wonderful wonderful family I have, of which my aunt Geraldine (who passed away on Saturday after a 9 year battle with cancer) was, and will continue to be by the shining example of a life well-lived, an integral part. Over the last few years, even though I have been away, I have felt us all being pulled closer together all the time. I see my Mum and my Uncles grow into their middle years with such grace and integrity and I see them being drawn ever nearer and nearer back into a family unit in spite of (or maybe because of) the absence of my Grandmother as a unifying figure.
I see my Uncle Michael, a zealous born-again Christian, who has mellowed alot in recent years - having ceased trying to save us from the fires of hell by converting us, to extending to us all an acceptance and a grace in spite of his very sincere fears of the repercussions of our not having Jesus in our hearts - I see him wrestling bravely with placing this tragedy into a context he can understand and find comforting. Although I may not agree with some of his ideas, I look for where they do meet with mine, and I feel privileged to be there to listen to him and gently encourage him as he struggles to make sense with this. I noticed when I arrived that he addressed all his thoughts to me as he spoke, perhaps he felt comfortable to do so, as his religion has been such a bug-bear in the past among his siblings and with me he was on more neutral ground. I didn't propound any of my own thoughts except where I could agree and elaborate on what he was saying. I just felt so glad there was some way in which I could be there. And whatever form it may take, whether I agree with the tenor of it or not, I know his faith is strong and will bring him through.
My cousins, his children are such lovely children, or young adults should I say. I think it meant alot to Matthew, the eldest that I had come straight over, and that meant alot to me! Mum and I went over last night and we could feel how constricted they felt, being bound to the house while still unable to grasp what had happened, yearning for a little normality, so I started taking the mick out of Mum and she gladly let me just because it was so good to see them laughing. And I am so glad that I will be home for a few months in September to be there for the two girls when they go back to school. My plans to come home for a while are making more and more sense in the broader scheme of things.
First of all there is greenery everywhere! I haven't been in town yet, except for when the bus pulled in. I miss nature so much when I live in the city. I understand why I feel so trapped at times, yes there are parks, but it is not the same. And this is my corner of nature. I know it so well...I always feel so much more creative when I am home with Mum as well. Our family are not big ones for getting together and have big family chats although we do do that at times. We much prefer to just be together in the same house and potter about doing our own things. I get so much done that way...Mum and I spent a long time this afternoon together, her making flower arrangements for the funeral (she is truly an artist when it comes to floristry) and me putting a set together with all my new tunes for the DJ gig which Ryan has so kindly offered me on the 15th August. I think it's one of the best sets I've ever played and I hope I can build on it. I look forward to being home and continuing to be creative in many ways. I've felt so blocked for so long, because I always thought of it as a means to an end. Now it is coming clear that it is just a way to be and if something comes of it good and well but my only duty to the world is to feed and clothe and shelter myself, one doesn't need a fancy job that makes one miserable to do that!!!
I was reading, finishing actually, "The Gift of Change" by Marianne Williamson today - a book I look forward to rereading - and in the last chapter she discussed change and how it takes time. She talked about in-betweeny stages where a new self is being born and how these transitions cannot be rushed or forced as you need to grow into this new self. And in the chapter before she talked about God's plan and how it is synonymous with your happiness, they are not things you need to choose between. I feel so certain that coming home now is the right thing to do. Why I do not know, but I know.
I see my Uncle Michael, a zealous born-again Christian, who has mellowed alot in recent years - having ceased trying to save us from the fires of hell by converting us, to extending to us all an acceptance and a grace in spite of his very sincere fears of the repercussions of our not having Jesus in our hearts - I see him wrestling bravely with placing this tragedy into a context he can understand and find comforting. Although I may not agree with some of his ideas, I look for where they do meet with mine, and I feel privileged to be there to listen to him and gently encourage him as he struggles to make sense with this. I noticed when I arrived that he addressed all his thoughts to me as he spoke, perhaps he felt comfortable to do so, as his religion has been such a bug-bear in the past among his siblings and with me he was on more neutral ground. I didn't propound any of my own thoughts except where I could agree and elaborate on what he was saying. I just felt so glad there was some way in which I could be there. And whatever form it may take, whether I agree with the tenor of it or not, I know his faith is strong and will bring him through.
My cousins, his children are such lovely children, or young adults should I say. I think it meant alot to Matthew, the eldest that I had come straight over, and that meant alot to me! Mum and I went over last night and we could feel how constricted they felt, being bound to the house while still unable to grasp what had happened, yearning for a little normality, so I started taking the mick out of Mum and she gladly let me just because it was so good to see them laughing. And I am so glad that I will be home for a few months in September to be there for the two girls when they go back to school. My plans to come home for a while are making more and more sense in the broader scheme of things.
First of all there is greenery everywhere! I haven't been in town yet, except for when the bus pulled in. I miss nature so much when I live in the city. I understand why I feel so trapped at times, yes there are parks, but it is not the same. And this is my corner of nature. I know it so well...I always feel so much more creative when I am home with Mum as well. Our family are not big ones for getting together and have big family chats although we do do that at times. We much prefer to just be together in the same house and potter about doing our own things. I get so much done that way...Mum and I spent a long time this afternoon together, her making flower arrangements for the funeral (she is truly an artist when it comes to floristry) and me putting a set together with all my new tunes for the DJ gig which Ryan has so kindly offered me on the 15th August. I think it's one of the best sets I've ever played and I hope I can build on it. I look forward to being home and continuing to be creative in many ways. I've felt so blocked for so long, because I always thought of it as a means to an end. Now it is coming clear that it is just a way to be and if something comes of it good and well but my only duty to the world is to feed and clothe and shelter myself, one doesn't need a fancy job that makes one miserable to do that!!!
I was reading, finishing actually, "The Gift of Change" by Marianne Williamson today - a book I look forward to rereading - and in the last chapter she discussed change and how it takes time. She talked about in-betweeny stages where a new self is being born and how these transitions cannot be rushed or forced as you need to grow into this new self. And in the chapter before she talked about God's plan and how it is synonymous with your happiness, they are not things you need to choose between. I feel so certain that coming home now is the right thing to do. Why I do not know, but I know.
Thursday, 31 July 2008
A Course in Miracles
I am at as loss in terms of knowing what to write about this because I am finding it all so confusing in my mind. But since starting this blog, I have found it good just to start writing about what I am experiencing as I get to know some of my thoughts about it. Having to express it in a way that makes sense is good mental discipline and almost makes me feel like I am gettin back in touch with my creativity.
I have been pretty much faithfully doing the course for twenty-three days now, reading the daily chapter and doing the exercises that go with it. I don't hugely enjoy reading the chapter. I find it difficult to penetrate the meaning of what is said, even more so to apply it to my everyday life. Not understanding makes me feel a bit stupid at times and that is somewhat uncomfortable for me! Sometimes what I read one day clarifies what I have struggled with before, but overall what irks me is that I really don't know what I think of it all! Is that the product of a mind that has become somewhat lazy - in the sense of avidly reading so many ideas and just taking them in with out seemingly processing or wrestling with them - or am I just going through that inner confusion which heralds true learning? Or is it all just a loada bollocks???
See, having read "A Return to Love" and most of "The Gift of Change" by Marianne Williamson, I really cannot agree with the last statement. But Marianne Williamson's books make so much more sense than "ACIM". At times I ask myself, is this book just contradicting itself? But I don't have a good enough grasp of the material to answer that. I feel so far behind it. I wish I could bring up some of the cases in which I thought this happened, but I am sorry to admit that alot of it just goes over my head and does not commit to my memory. The basic gist of the Course comes across and I am familiar with it from Williamson's writings - it fits in with the mentality of the lovely Florence Scovel Shinn books which got me through some very difficult times - and I like it. I think it is a positive way in which to use my mind.
It's just got me panicking a little because I begin to think "Oh God what have I done wrong to cause this?" when something negative happens or I have a bad day in spite of all my hard work. These things pass of course, but instead of feeling mentally empowered, at times sometimes I feel at the mercy of the power of my mind, if that makes any sense! I think it good to take responsibility for my thoughts and how they manifest in my life, but at times it is a huge pressure and terrifies me. My faults and shortcomings become clearer to me and they just seem endless! How can I ever sort them all out? If I have an uncharitable thought or react badly to something that upsets me, I always pray afterwards and say to God "Please help me to see this differently" I try to bless those people and situations I am having most difficulty with, I ask God to remove the thoughts which are unworthy of my better self. But at the moment it is tiring and disheartening to say the least. I wanna go back to my ignorance and have a good old moan or bitch, but that feels uncomfortable too!
Ach, this is probably a part of the process and transformation will occur subtly and for the best. I find the exercises easier to access than the readings. I do them with as open a mind as possible. Sometimes the premise is a little obscure like, "What I see is a form of vengeance", but then on the obscure days weird little insights come to me, seemingly unrelated to the central lesson and on the days where the exercises seem to make sense, I don't really seem to get anything out of them. And sometimes I disagree, "Is this the world I really want to see?" is supposed to be answered in the negative, but at times I am happy with looking around and seeing things just as they are.
And what confuses me too...should I have no dreams or plans whatsoever in case they have nothing to do with God's Will for me? Sometimes I feel guilty when glimmers of fantasy of ambition arise and other times I get worried that this course will cause me to lapse into some form of apathetic fatalism. All of this seems to be contributing to some form of spiritual lethargy.
I think I have had my surfeit of spiritual books for the present. I have a few to finish of course and I am really enjoying them, but my brain is becoming so overloaded with all that stuff, it's having no chance to process. I need a bit of fiction in my life! I read Jane Austen's "Persuasion" on a complete whim the other week and it was a breath of fresh air!!! And the other night, for the first time in almost a year, I picked up a book that had to do with theatre "The Complete Stanislavsky Toolkit" and I am enjoying the little bit I have read so far...
Of course I will stick with ACIM but I need to relax...
I have been pretty much faithfully doing the course for twenty-three days now, reading the daily chapter and doing the exercises that go with it. I don't hugely enjoy reading the chapter. I find it difficult to penetrate the meaning of what is said, even more so to apply it to my everyday life. Not understanding makes me feel a bit stupid at times and that is somewhat uncomfortable for me! Sometimes what I read one day clarifies what I have struggled with before, but overall what irks me is that I really don't know what I think of it all! Is that the product of a mind that has become somewhat lazy - in the sense of avidly reading so many ideas and just taking them in with out seemingly processing or wrestling with them - or am I just going through that inner confusion which heralds true learning? Or is it all just a loada bollocks???
See, having read "A Return to Love" and most of "The Gift of Change" by Marianne Williamson, I really cannot agree with the last statement. But Marianne Williamson's books make so much more sense than "ACIM". At times I ask myself, is this book just contradicting itself? But I don't have a good enough grasp of the material to answer that. I feel so far behind it. I wish I could bring up some of the cases in which I thought this happened, but I am sorry to admit that alot of it just goes over my head and does not commit to my memory. The basic gist of the Course comes across and I am familiar with it from Williamson's writings - it fits in with the mentality of the lovely Florence Scovel Shinn books which got me through some very difficult times - and I like it. I think it is a positive way in which to use my mind.
It's just got me panicking a little because I begin to think "Oh God what have I done wrong to cause this?" when something negative happens or I have a bad day in spite of all my hard work. These things pass of course, but instead of feeling mentally empowered, at times sometimes I feel at the mercy of the power of my mind, if that makes any sense! I think it good to take responsibility for my thoughts and how they manifest in my life, but at times it is a huge pressure and terrifies me. My faults and shortcomings become clearer to me and they just seem endless! How can I ever sort them all out? If I have an uncharitable thought or react badly to something that upsets me, I always pray afterwards and say to God "Please help me to see this differently" I try to bless those people and situations I am having most difficulty with, I ask God to remove the thoughts which are unworthy of my better self. But at the moment it is tiring and disheartening to say the least. I wanna go back to my ignorance and have a good old moan or bitch, but that feels uncomfortable too!
Ach, this is probably a part of the process and transformation will occur subtly and for the best. I find the exercises easier to access than the readings. I do them with as open a mind as possible. Sometimes the premise is a little obscure like, "What I see is a form of vengeance", but then on the obscure days weird little insights come to me, seemingly unrelated to the central lesson and on the days where the exercises seem to make sense, I don't really seem to get anything out of them. And sometimes I disagree, "Is this the world I really want to see?" is supposed to be answered in the negative, but at times I am happy with looking around and seeing things just as they are.
And what confuses me too...should I have no dreams or plans whatsoever in case they have nothing to do with God's Will for me? Sometimes I feel guilty when glimmers of fantasy of ambition arise and other times I get worried that this course will cause me to lapse into some form of apathetic fatalism. All of this seems to be contributing to some form of spiritual lethargy.
I think I have had my surfeit of spiritual books for the present. I have a few to finish of course and I am really enjoying them, but my brain is becoming so overloaded with all that stuff, it's having no chance to process. I need a bit of fiction in my life! I read Jane Austen's "Persuasion" on a complete whim the other week and it was a breath of fresh air!!! And the other night, for the first time in almost a year, I picked up a book that had to do with theatre "The Complete Stanislavsky Toolkit" and I am enjoying the little bit I have read so far...
Of course I will stick with ACIM but I need to relax...
Tuesday, 22 July 2008
Bewilderment
I am pretty much qualified for only one job, well, on paper, as I have an MA in Theatre Directing. So imagine my delight when a job came up at a professional theatre for a year's post as in-house Trainee Director. Finally a job spec that matched where I am at in my career perfectly. So I sent in my CV and application form and, as requested, a letter stating why I am the best person for the job. I always find these things difficult to write, but I had an heroic stab at it, most of the text is included below...I was a little delayed in confirming references, but ended up sending them two very good references last week.
The thing is, I just found out today I never even got shortlisted for interview. Beyond my disappointment, I'd just love to know where I had gone wrong in my application so that things like this do not continue to happen, so that I am no longer excluded from my chosen metier, so that I can begin to build a career. I have great faith in my skills and I have excellent experience, as well as training in some very interesting subjects. But there is something about me that just doesn't seem to fit in to theatre land. I know I am probably limiting myself by even writing this down and I need to correct this problem at thought level, but I guess I am seeking a greater cosmic answer as to why I am continually thwarted in this career in spite of my investment of time, passion and energy. Is this God's way of saying "Don't pursue this? There is something better that you can do?" But I have no inkling of what that would be. Or is he teaching me perseverance? That I have to learn to keep putting myself out there and just being myself in spite of it all.
As soon as I received the news, my boyfriend started going on about how I need to learn how to portray myself, that I need to be realistic about the"rat-race" etc etc, that maybe I should think of an alternative career. I told him, "I don't even know what career I want right now" I kinda didn't need to hear all that. I don't really want to change who I am, I accept that maybe I can look at my application critically and see if there is anything I can refine, but change? He said that I'd probably keep applying and get some shitty job somewhere I didn't want to end up.
Am I in denial for not wanting to listen to that? Am I not being realistic in not wanting to change who I am? Am I being foolish to persevere? Is there something I am just getting wrong that I can't see? Am I the wrong kind of person for this industry? Or do I just have to work through this to find the lesson? I am sure if God intended something else for me, it would be alot clearer. Oh I am terribly confused! I can't think of the most constructive way to think of this, other than that job was not for me and there is probably a wonderful opportunity coming along which I can't yet have considered which I would have missed had I got it.
That is of course on a Cosmic level. I am still utterly bewildered as to why my skills didn't recommend themselves on a human level!
"I am extremely excited about the prospect of applying for the post of Trainee Director at the ----- Theatre. Having worked in Theatre for thirteen years now and dedicated most of that time towards developing myself through various methods of training and exploring my passion through both professional and self-motivated practice, I feel the post has a lot to offer me in the further training it affords, the opportunity to learn from the experience of those who have been working in my field for longer than I and the focus it will provide in challenging me to synthesise all that I have learned to become a true professional, fully capable of being able to function in and contribute to the professional arena and the community in a wider sense.
Equally I feel I have a lot to offer as a candidate for this position. I have experienced a wide variety of training methods and have cultivated a number of skills, some of which I have chosen to develop further in my own time after the initial training had taken place. As well as having trained as a theatre director on the MA in Theatre Directing at Middlesex University, I trained as an actor at the Gaiety School of Acting in Dublin where I got a thorough grounding in all basic skills an actor needs, such as Voice, Movement, Text etc. This gives me greater insight as a director into the actor’s process, is wonderful for troubleshooting on a technical level and understanding what their needs or perspectives might be in rehearsal. Also at the Gaiety, I was introduced to a myriad of other disciplines including clowning, short and long-form improvisation, Viewpoints and other forms of devising. These can often serve to enrich the rehearsal process.
I was very fortunate to be accepted onto the MA course at Middlesex without a prior degree, as the course leader Leon Rubin had confidence that my previous experience demonstrated my ability to complete the course (which I have just graduated from this Summer, having handed in m dissertation last fall.) The unique set-up of the course allowed me to explore four very specific aspects of theatre in great detail and gave me a great armoury of skills with which to work. At the Middlesex campus I did intensive modules on directing Shakespeare and Comedy where my teachers included Leon Rubin, John Russell Brown and Janet Suzman. I then travelled to Moscow to study at the Russian Academy of Theatre Art (GITIS) where I explored the techniques of Michael Chekhov as well as getting an important grounding in the work of Stanislavsky and Meyerhold’s Biomechanics. The following year I travelled to Bali to study at ISI, Denpasar for a module on Theatre of the East.
What was most valuable about working in these countries was that it made me become much more open to different perspectives on performance and rehearsal and much more flexible in the way I approached things, opening up a whole new range of possibilities in my mind. Finally, I applied my passion for Michael Chekhov and Long-form Improvisation to explore a unique way of rehearsing for Howard Barker’s “Wounds to the Face” and created a Director’s Workbook for my dissertation.
I felt it important to develop what I had learned in the course and take it further for this project. The continual development of my craft is very important to me and while I have been in Glasgow I have taken a great deal of time to do further study on what interests me and learn through working with other people in my own time. Three topics from my training that have particularly seduced me so far are the work of Michael Chekhov, Chicago-style long-form Improv and, more recently, Viewpoints. In July 2006, I set up an Improv Ensemble and Theatre Company with other actors to explore Long-form Improv with a view to regular performances. I gained a great deal from this project which lasted a year. We would meet three times weekly for three hours at a time and worked to create an ensemble which could create sustained and completely spontaneous performances from an audience suggestion. However, we used the rehearsal time not only to master improvisation skills, but also to deepen and innovate these skills through the work of Michael Chekhov. We also went onto develop some interesting work on archetypes and the ideas of Augusto Boal. As a group I am proud to say we had some very successful performances at the Comedy Festival and the West End Festival, and I gained a great deal as a director in the sense that this gave me great opportunity to explore and innovate. I took much of this work into my final dissertation.
As a result of all this I feel I have a lot to offer in terms of workshops as well as in rehearsal, both with professional actors and young people. Prior to moving to the UK, I worked for 18 months with the Gaiety Youth Theatre company as administrator, assistant director and teacher for young people between the ages of 15 and 19. I very much enjoyed this and learned a lot from supporting them in putting on shows, nurturing their talent and teaching them new skills, allowing them to surprise themselves with talents they never thought they had and instilling them the importance of working as a good ensemble. For this reason I am extremely excited about the possibility of working with -----.
While working as an actor over in Ireland, I gained experience working in the professional industry and its demands with large companies such as The Gate and The Machine. I also did some stage management and costume for Druid and other touring companies. As I mentioned earlier with my acting experience, this knowledge of other facets of working in theatre gives me much more insight into the perspectives of those I am working with as a director so that I can be realistic in what I am asking of them, but also in certain cases, knowing what they are capable of, much braver. When working on a production, however, I find it imperative that I remain conscious at all times of what hat I am wearing in any given situation and act accordingly. From having directed full-scale productions of “Dangerous Liaisons” and “The Talented Mr Ripley” (both of which I am happy to say had sell out performances!) and also having set up my own theatre company, Razed Curtain, for a time, I have had good exposure to the practicalities involved in putting on a production. This includes budgets, fundraising, hiring and organising rehearsals, but most importantly as a director, in being able to come up with inventive and meaningful concepts for shows that are restricted by budget. This, for me, is sometimes a very enjoyable part of my work!
At the end of the day, however, I love directing because I love working with actors. I love finding ways to bring performances out in them that they never thought they were capable of and in delighting the audience through this. I love to create a safe and dynamic rehearsal space where they feel they can give their best and where they genuinely get a sense of their own artistry. This is why Chekhov and Improv and Viewpoints appeal so much to me. I also love directing because I get to involve my passion for music and film and literature and visual arts and travel in creating new worlds that others can co-create and inhabit and witness. I believe in theatre’s capacity to give back to the community and the wider society in rich and life-affirming ways. I believe in drama as a tool for helping people to access parts in themselves they never realised existed, whether as performers or audience members, and this is an important part of why I am applying for this role. I have been living in Glasgow for three years now and this has become my home. I realise this may sound somewhat sentimental, but I have a great liking and admiration for this city and its people and I have enjoyed engaging with them through my theatre practice during my time here. This role would allow me to do this on an even more consistent basis and, through working with -----, allow me to give back more to this community which has made me feel so welcome."
Too sentimental? To passionate? Or am I just a weirdo without knowing it??? Or should I even bother to think about all this? Or will they give me feedback if I ask so I can choose to act on it in future?
Far too many questions...I'm going to download more techno!
The thing is, I just found out today I never even got shortlisted for interview. Beyond my disappointment, I'd just love to know where I had gone wrong in my application so that things like this do not continue to happen, so that I am no longer excluded from my chosen metier, so that I can begin to build a career. I have great faith in my skills and I have excellent experience, as well as training in some very interesting subjects. But there is something about me that just doesn't seem to fit in to theatre land. I know I am probably limiting myself by even writing this down and I need to correct this problem at thought level, but I guess I am seeking a greater cosmic answer as to why I am continually thwarted in this career in spite of my investment of time, passion and energy. Is this God's way of saying "Don't pursue this? There is something better that you can do?" But I have no inkling of what that would be. Or is he teaching me perseverance? That I have to learn to keep putting myself out there and just being myself in spite of it all.
As soon as I received the news, my boyfriend started going on about how I need to learn how to portray myself, that I need to be realistic about the"rat-race" etc etc, that maybe I should think of an alternative career. I told him, "I don't even know what career I want right now" I kinda didn't need to hear all that. I don't really want to change who I am, I accept that maybe I can look at my application critically and see if there is anything I can refine, but change? He said that I'd probably keep applying and get some shitty job somewhere I didn't want to end up.
Am I in denial for not wanting to listen to that? Am I not being realistic in not wanting to change who I am? Am I being foolish to persevere? Is there something I am just getting wrong that I can't see? Am I the wrong kind of person for this industry? Or do I just have to work through this to find the lesson? I am sure if God intended something else for me, it would be alot clearer. Oh I am terribly confused! I can't think of the most constructive way to think of this, other than that job was not for me and there is probably a wonderful opportunity coming along which I can't yet have considered which I would have missed had I got it.
That is of course on a Cosmic level. I am still utterly bewildered as to why my skills didn't recommend themselves on a human level!
"I am extremely excited about the prospect of applying for the post of Trainee Director at the ----- Theatre. Having worked in Theatre for thirteen years now and dedicated most of that time towards developing myself through various methods of training and exploring my passion through both professional and self-motivated practice, I feel the post has a lot to offer me in the further training it affords, the opportunity to learn from the experience of those who have been working in my field for longer than I and the focus it will provide in challenging me to synthesise all that I have learned to become a true professional, fully capable of being able to function in and contribute to the professional arena and the community in a wider sense.
Equally I feel I have a lot to offer as a candidate for this position. I have experienced a wide variety of training methods and have cultivated a number of skills, some of which I have chosen to develop further in my own time after the initial training had taken place. As well as having trained as a theatre director on the MA in Theatre Directing at Middlesex University, I trained as an actor at the Gaiety School of Acting in Dublin where I got a thorough grounding in all basic skills an actor needs, such as Voice, Movement, Text etc. This gives me greater insight as a director into the actor’s process, is wonderful for troubleshooting on a technical level and understanding what their needs or perspectives might be in rehearsal. Also at the Gaiety, I was introduced to a myriad of other disciplines including clowning, short and long-form improvisation, Viewpoints and other forms of devising. These can often serve to enrich the rehearsal process.
I was very fortunate to be accepted onto the MA course at Middlesex without a prior degree, as the course leader Leon Rubin had confidence that my previous experience demonstrated my ability to complete the course (which I have just graduated from this Summer, having handed in m dissertation last fall.) The unique set-up of the course allowed me to explore four very specific aspects of theatre in great detail and gave me a great armoury of skills with which to work. At the Middlesex campus I did intensive modules on directing Shakespeare and Comedy where my teachers included Leon Rubin, John Russell Brown and Janet Suzman. I then travelled to Moscow to study at the Russian Academy of Theatre Art (GITIS) where I explored the techniques of Michael Chekhov as well as getting an important grounding in the work of Stanislavsky and Meyerhold’s Biomechanics. The following year I travelled to Bali to study at ISI, Denpasar for a module on Theatre of the East.
What was most valuable about working in these countries was that it made me become much more open to different perspectives on performance and rehearsal and much more flexible in the way I approached things, opening up a whole new range of possibilities in my mind. Finally, I applied my passion for Michael Chekhov and Long-form Improvisation to explore a unique way of rehearsing for Howard Barker’s “Wounds to the Face” and created a Director’s Workbook for my dissertation.
I felt it important to develop what I had learned in the course and take it further for this project. The continual development of my craft is very important to me and while I have been in Glasgow I have taken a great deal of time to do further study on what interests me and learn through working with other people in my own time. Three topics from my training that have particularly seduced me so far are the work of Michael Chekhov, Chicago-style long-form Improv and, more recently, Viewpoints. In July 2006, I set up an Improv Ensemble and Theatre Company with other actors to explore Long-form Improv with a view to regular performances. I gained a great deal from this project which lasted a year. We would meet three times weekly for three hours at a time and worked to create an ensemble which could create sustained and completely spontaneous performances from an audience suggestion. However, we used the rehearsal time not only to master improvisation skills, but also to deepen and innovate these skills through the work of Michael Chekhov. We also went onto develop some interesting work on archetypes and the ideas of Augusto Boal. As a group I am proud to say we had some very successful performances at the Comedy Festival and the West End Festival, and I gained a great deal as a director in the sense that this gave me great opportunity to explore and innovate. I took much of this work into my final dissertation.
As a result of all this I feel I have a lot to offer in terms of workshops as well as in rehearsal, both with professional actors and young people. Prior to moving to the UK, I worked for 18 months with the Gaiety Youth Theatre company as administrator, assistant director and teacher for young people between the ages of 15 and 19. I very much enjoyed this and learned a lot from supporting them in putting on shows, nurturing their talent and teaching them new skills, allowing them to surprise themselves with talents they never thought they had and instilling them the importance of working as a good ensemble. For this reason I am extremely excited about the possibility of working with -----.
While working as an actor over in Ireland, I gained experience working in the professional industry and its demands with large companies such as The Gate and The Machine. I also did some stage management and costume for Druid and other touring companies. As I mentioned earlier with my acting experience, this knowledge of other facets of working in theatre gives me much more insight into the perspectives of those I am working with as a director so that I can be realistic in what I am asking of them, but also in certain cases, knowing what they are capable of, much braver. When working on a production, however, I find it imperative that I remain conscious at all times of what hat I am wearing in any given situation and act accordingly. From having directed full-scale productions of “Dangerous Liaisons” and “The Talented Mr Ripley” (both of which I am happy to say had sell out performances!) and also having set up my own theatre company, Razed Curtain, for a time, I have had good exposure to the practicalities involved in putting on a production. This includes budgets, fundraising, hiring and organising rehearsals, but most importantly as a director, in being able to come up with inventive and meaningful concepts for shows that are restricted by budget. This, for me, is sometimes a very enjoyable part of my work!
At the end of the day, however, I love directing because I love working with actors. I love finding ways to bring performances out in them that they never thought they were capable of and in delighting the audience through this. I love to create a safe and dynamic rehearsal space where they feel they can give their best and where they genuinely get a sense of their own artistry. This is why Chekhov and Improv and Viewpoints appeal so much to me. I also love directing because I get to involve my passion for music and film and literature and visual arts and travel in creating new worlds that others can co-create and inhabit and witness. I believe in theatre’s capacity to give back to the community and the wider society in rich and life-affirming ways. I believe in drama as a tool for helping people to access parts in themselves they never realised existed, whether as performers or audience members, and this is an important part of why I am applying for this role. I have been living in Glasgow for three years now and this has become my home. I realise this may sound somewhat sentimental, but I have a great liking and admiration for this city and its people and I have enjoyed engaging with them through my theatre practice during my time here. This role would allow me to do this on an even more consistent basis and, through working with -----, allow me to give back more to this community which has made me feel so welcome."
Too sentimental? To passionate? Or am I just a weirdo without knowing it??? Or should I even bother to think about all this? Or will they give me feedback if I ask so I can choose to act on it in future?
Far too many questions...I'm going to download more techno!
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