The Waking by Theodore Roethke

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I have to go.

We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Of those so close beside me, which are you?
God bless the Ground! I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I have to go.

Light takes the Tree; but who can tell us how?
The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Great Nature has another thing to do
To you and me, so take the lively air,
And, lovely, learn by going where to go.

This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go.

To Teach or Not to Teach?

Ok that's a moot point, because for the next while I will be teaching...thing is, I am not sure if I am really cut out for it! I just can't get past the bit where you have to be comfortable with your students thinking you are an idiot and that it is a waste of time doing your class because they are not getting what they expected out of territory that was previously foreign to them.
Ok that doesn't make sense...what is the balance between pressing on with teaching them necessary skills that will allow them to interact as a group, access their physicalities and think outside the box, and allowing them immediate gratification of "doing scenes" and "being directed" and "playing parts" - simply because they have paid me to teach them "Acting for Fun", they are not professional actors and they just want to see what it is about?
But I don't think they realise that what I am showing them is what it is about! And I don't think they realise how much they are learning...And they are learning. They are a talented, imaginative group...But I need to get the balance between teaching them and pleasing them, even more so that they are not professionals. especially if I want to keep them as customers and continue with my teaching work. And I now know that what I think is fun about acting may not be fun for them...
I know my classes are well-planned and quite integrative, if that's a word, in that all the Chekhov exercises we start with feed into the games we play later on and each class has a strong theme and goal...But I think all that I hold dear is lost on them, perhaps because I find it so hard to communicate. I find communicating my ideas and feelings very difficult in general - so perhaps I am not cut out to teach. And I hate undergoing the necessary resentment, resistance and separation from the group that a teacher has to undergo. I feel so awful to think that they may be regretting spending money on my class. And I am so longing to teach professional actors this stuff and get right into it, BUT professional actors never have the money to do classes!
Hey, but tis still a nice way of getting on top of my debts and earning the freedom for the next stage of my life. And I know from before that teaching has bad days and wonderful days for everybody concerned.
I noticed something about myself yesterday too, in a brief exchange I had with an aquaintance of mine who is my age and has had quite a successful acting career in Ireland - a lovely girl. Part of me is humiliated by the idea that I am teaching acting classes. And it shouldn't be. I don't always feel like that, at times the idea of teaching fills me with joy. But when she said, quite innocently, "Maybe this is the start of a school!" I suddenly came out with "NO! No..." Out of nowhere.
And I know what it was, I couldn't bear the thought of this being my life, stuck here in my home town, committed to my own acting school. I don't know why.
And I started into the exercises on "Entering the Castle" last night - I've been working very slowly and steadily and finally got to the first room...and God the amount of questions in that room are exhausting! They'd keep you going for a month! Well I didn't write cause I was quite tired, but I resolutely pondered some of them for a while, and I'd start and I couldn't get clear answers and then I'd drift off and try to come back...some of the questions just don't hit me but I want to honour them anyway...but I tried and tried this contemplation thing and then I finally asked my soul "Just say something!" Because it sounded like my mind just babbling away in answer to the questions, truths I could grasp but could I live them? Ya dee Ya dee YA!
And then...something new filtered through the mess...I don't know if it was my frazzled mind...something like...the question had been "In what way does your fear of being humiliated control your life?"...well I realised that my fear of committing to anything, anything may have to do with the fear of the humiliation of living a normal life...a life I would perceive as not having infinite possibility, which is nonsense, I know."If I do this, then this closes this off, but I can't do this cause I've no money because I haven't committed to anything. But at least I don't have the humiliation of having an identity that I don't want. Cause I've done that. Bank Worker, ha!"
Ok when I write this down it doesn't make sense. I think it is quite healthy to work towards the life you dream of, but not when you are doing it to avoid humiliation, the inner voice that says mockingly "Oh look there's Seralu. Yeah she never lived up to her potential."
My head is scrambled. There's tinges of shadow in the good isn't there...why am I doing this (whatever it is) ? To "fill my potential" so I don't have to feel guilty and humiliated, or because I just want/need to do it. Seralu, methinks you are still a bit of a phoney m'dear!

Will You Go?

I had a dream the other night and for the first time in my life I woke up and realised that this was not a dream, it was a vision. It seemed to come from beyond the mess of my subconscious, its content was so much bigger than me like something bigger than me was speaking through me.
I don't know where to begin with describing it, it was a synthesis of so many big things that made sense and yet when I woke up I knew exactly what was being said to me. It was a question being asked of me, a big question set so perfectly in the context of all that I have been preoccupied lately.
I'm not going to go into all the details, I'll just try to put the most important points. I wonder is it right of me to communicate a vision here, but maybe putting it into words will lead me into it again...
Before this part of the dream, I was dreaming normal dreams, there was something about the novel "War and Peace" and being stuck around two difficult men staying in my home who hated and were cruel to me and yet I was being forced (perhaps by my family or mum, I can't recall) to put up with them and suppress increasing violent rage...none of it really stuck out, it was one of those dreams that you knew was processing some emotion or other, I don't know and I don't know where the novel came in anyway...
It was a new sequence, the start of which is really really vague for me and makes no logical sense but yes has a kinaesthetic feeling of rightness. I was at the cinema watching one of the "Three Colours" movies, but there seemed to be some confusion about which one it was. The movie was over, but there seemed to be a bit at the end which I was compelled to stay on for. (Actually that is the case with that particular trilogy, a sequence at the end which ties together all three movies)
I was watching it, but suddenly I was in it...I was one of the extras and though the main female role was being played by Julie Delpy (the heroine of Three Colours White which is my favourite of the three) by the end of it, it was me.
I went through a post office to a garden where a man was waiting for something. (There had been something about a train station too which I couldn't recall.) He had been waiting there for some time and a crowd had joined him. I wasn't sure if the thing he was waiting for had already arrived and recurred on a regular basis or if it hadn't arrived yet.
It was night and we were waiting for the coming of something, we didn't know what it was and he didn't say what it was. He was an older man, like an older version of Jean-Marc Barr out of "The Big Blue", a man I think is really beautiful looking. He just played with children but he was waiting for the heroine too. She didn't know why she was there. It was an uneasy wait, people were jostling, someone fell into a pond and she fished them out. We were looking up into the sky. There was a sense of "What are we waiting for? Why are we here? Will it even come?"
The sky was grey with wispy clouds, the garden was dark. "Ah" I thought, wanting to make sense, wanting to know what I was expecting before it even came. "We are waiting for the dawn. Perhaps we are all waiting for the dawn to come so that we can see the new day together and realise how beautiful it is so we can all live new lives." This comforted me.
And then the dawn came and I was the heroine. Yes the dawn was beautiful, the sky illuminated with colour beyond anything that you can ordinarily conceive. Here I began to realise that this was coming from somewhere so far beyond me that it was so much BIGGER than what I had been expecting. And it was a terrible frightening beauty because suddenly the earth began to shake, things fell from the sky and the world as we knew it began to be destroyed.
The man drew me to him, he alone had known that this would happen, and that there was hope in this, it needed to be. As I drew close I lost my fear. "I have loved you forever and ever" he said to me (or something to that effect but MORE, the feeling was more than the words) "I have been waiting for you. Will you go?"
"Will you go?" I woke up with this question blazed at the forefront of my mind and a distinct certainty that "This is no mere dream."

A small postscript which could be my fancy and means nothing but strikes me as amusing and hindsightful...two days later I met an man who looked like an older Jean-Marc Barr!

Song: If You Seek … by Thomas Merton

If you seek a heavenly light
I, Solitude, am your professor!

I go before you into emptiness,
Raise strange suns for your new mornings,
Opening the windows
Of your innermost apartment.

When I, loneliness, give my special signal
Follow my silence, follow where I beckon!
Fear not, little beast, little spirit
(Thou word and animal)
I, Solitude, am angel
And have prayed in your name.

Look at the empty, wealthy night
The pilgrim moon!
I am the appointed hour,
The “now” that cuts
Time like a blade.

I am the unexpected flash
Beyond “yes,” beyond “no,”
The forerunner of the Word of God.

Follow my ways and I will lead you
To golden-haired suns,
Logos and music, blameless joys,
Innocent of questions
And beyond answers:
For I, Solitude, am thine own self:
I, Nothingness, am thy All.
I, Silence, am thy Amen!

A Day for Contemplation

I am having a quiet day all to myself today. The last week has been so busy, getting everything organised for the drama classes I am hoping to run. I have been getting flyers designed, ready and then been going all around town putting them up and handing them out. So far I have five or six signed up for classes, one person has signed up for three different workshop. So the next step is to start getting all my thoughts in order for these classes. Plan out a rough shape, and reread enough to inspire myself to teach again.
I've also been making some headway as regards making contacts with the University. I have about three different people who want to meet up with me to talk theatre, one of them the head of the BA Acting course recently set up there and another a lecturer on the MA in Theatre Studies who has spent alot of time in Russia, so we have alot of common interests. I am looking forward to just talking. I hope I can remember how to talk about theatre. Lately I have just been putting one foot in front of the other and going with what is happening. So I won't panic. I have no idea what I want out of any of this so there is nothing to get nervous about. I do need to jump into reading my Chekhov and Stanislavski books though. Any scrap of free time I've had for reading lately has been spent on "Entering the Castle" which has been consuming my attention. Feels so horrible to need to wrest away from it when I am finding it so absorbing! I am only reading it for now and listening to the cds to get an overview. Partly because there is so much in it and I want to get a sense of trajectory and I suppose partly because some of the work seems so very hard in it. When I read the exercises in some of the rooms, I can't even begin to think of answers for them. So I guess that's why I am just getting a feel for it right now, beginning to pray more and write the odd private journal entry.
Today though, I feel like starting. I made a journal on my laptop just for working on it, where I can write my exercises and put anything that inspires me from the book into. I want to collect images of the different rooms to spark my imagination, I want to put quotes and favourite pieces of sacred writing in there. Like a kind of scrapbook/journal that is for my eyes only.
Then when I was looking for an image of the castle that appealed to me, I came across a couple of different blogs (not on blogger, with different hosts) that really appealed to me, of people writing about their spiritual quests and exploring the relationship between Art and the Spirit. The relationship between Art and Mysticism is really beginning to interest me. For now, anyway. I am a fickle soul. I have commitment problems!
But I guess that is why I did start this blog. To explore the effects my spiritual search is having on my life. Within the bounds of privacy of course! What I promised myself was to write each time only on a given topic without being too confessional or digressive as if I was writing it only for myself. To write as if I was writing for others, though I don't mind in the least if anyone reads it or not. I guess to impose some discipline on my mind by consciously forming thoughts which I need to take responsibility for as there is the possibility others could see them. To solidify my inner life somewhat? It is so nebulous in there!
So I should write in it more. I feel bad that I haven't. But on the other hand I am aware that, in this period of my life, there is a need for privacy too and sometimes I don't have anything to say that I would like to say to anyone else. That's why I need to start "Entering the Castle" properly today, even if I haven't fully given the book the once over. (I can still finish it from the point I am at in the Sixth Mansion and start from the start in greater and more laborious detail).
I just don't want the self-examination in the first three mansions to become too morbid!

The Lesson of Recession

It's all they have been talking about in Ireland, much more so than in Scotland before I left. I guess because the Celtic Tiger had made such a dramatic change in our economy and outlook. Now apparently all the builder's cheques are bouncing, my Uncle says the Building Industry could single-handedly bring down the banks.
So a strange time for me to downsize my life so drastically? I don't know. Perhaps my life is a microcosm of the nation as a whole. I think we are going to need to learn to downsize and simplify quite considerably. And I don't think that is a bad thing. Over the past few days I have been looking at how I am going to manage to live and it's not too scary if I am willing to focus on what I have got and on what interests me. If I am willing to live simply and learn new skills in not wasting resources or money but keeping it only for what matters, I think the quality of my life is going to improve greatly.
Perhaps the whole world needs to learn that. Maybe that is why the recession is coming, to restore us to some form of equilibrium. To reappraise our priorities. To learn to really take care of ourselves, not cater to passing whims (of which I have been guilty), to learn to take care of one another, to learn humility again, to rediscover what simple pleasures are, what true dignity is as opposed to the status conferred by money. I hope Ireland learns this lesson well.

Tales from Home

The last part of August was such a time of upheaval, illness and overall numbness that I couldn't bring myself to write at all. I guess I was in a state of dread at the prospect of a big move (I HATE packing!), a state of alternate futility and rebellion at my job where I seemed to get no financial return for the hours I was putting in, only rudeness from the higher level staff, and all this led to a state of panic about my finances and my energy levels. Blah Blah Blah. You can see why I didn't bother to write about it!!!
So now I am home. And while I am terribly sad to leave my lovely friends in Glasgow, some of whom mean a great deal to me, and while I was terribly touched by the way many of them turned up at such short notice for my leaving drinks at Bar 91, and while part of me is hurting at the thought of my boyfriend being sad at my leaving him and feeling a bit bad that I was so preoccupied and numb in the time running up to my departure, as if I couldn't be present to him in the time that he had left with me...I am feeling much better now. And everything seems to be confirming that this is the right decision.
Nature is everywhere here. And I have said it before but I do not realise how much I have been missing it until I come back into it again. I have had long walks by the sea every day since I have been back. Yesterday I walked for 90 minutes while my Mum had coffee with her friend and it was wonderful. On Thursday the weather was so lovely I even went for a swim in the sea at Blackrock. I haven't done that since I was a child! The water was freezing at first, so much so that I thought I was going to faint as soon as I immersed my body in it, but I quickly got accustomed and swam out to the raft and back twice. And when I got out of the water, my whole body was tingling deliciously and it was a pleasure to wrap myself up warm in my clothes again.
Mum and I have been cooking simple and healthy meals which I have been really enjoying - homemade vegetable soup with open soda bread sandwiches, peppered steak with salad and potatoes, quiche and salad, weetabix and banana. I know all of this is going to bring my energy levels back to the point where I will feel like I can really do things again.
We listened to the first cd of Carolyn Myss' "Entering the Castle" yesterday evening and enjoyed it greatly, I listened to most of the second cd while I walked the prom today. I love what she has to say. I think I will take up her suggestion and take up a private journal as I work through her cd. I definitely want to get the book too. This is a quiet, simple time for me, for rest and reflection, for catching up with myself and for simply letting things happen.
A solution has presented itself for my financial problems, so Mum and I are going to go into the bank on Monday to see if it is possible to implement. I think it will be and it will take all that pressure off. As regards an income, Mum has spoken to the convenience store just three minutes from where we live and it is a quiet area, and they may have some part time work for me, which would be perfect for the moment. So I will find out about that after the weekend.
Even musically things seem to be ironing out so far. First of all, I was pleasantly surprised to read in the paper that one of my favourite DJ/producers Sebastien Leger was to play in the GPO last night. I've wanted to see him for so long and never expected that he would play in Galway as he is quite a big name and we are quite a small city with a limited club scene (apparently). So my brother and his friend Marie came with me last night and we had an absolute blast! The crowd was great, we danced alot and had some friendly banter and got to shake Leger's hand after a really fun set. (Though I wish he had played a little more of his own stuff which is so deliciously clever and quirky and punchy...apparently he writes it on Ableton, or such was the information I managed to elicit from him before he was whisked off in a car!)
On top of that, there is a music course in Logic Express especially for DJs who want to start producing their own music, one evening a week in GTI and it is well reasonable. Mum and I have started a little pot to attract money for it over the next two weeks. And so far I have had a couple of wee windfalls. So I now have €17.50 saved towards the €115 it will cost! (Note for Mark, think the course will be helpful in my work for TB too!)
And FINALLY I got the recording software for my DJ sets working, so the last two days I have recorded an hour of mixing each, to listen back and see what works and what doesn't. Not feeling majorly inspired just now, but pressing on anyhow and so glad to have my complete set-up by the window, looking out on the lawn and the fields beyond...I have a set ready to record and my brother who loves doing graphics is well up for doing the cd covers to hand out.
Also my other brother, Paddy is familiar with Reason (though he has Reason 3) and I am gonna spend a few hours over at his to learn a bit more and hook up his midi controller to my computer so I can do more interesting stuff...
When I have some cash saved and all debts sorted, I am going to get my hair cut (tis an absolute disaster!) and get some new headshots done so I can blitz Dublin and Glasgow with acting cvs. Just to put myself out there and see what comes back...And am thinking of talking to a few places in Galway next week about teaching classes, once it all starts coming together in my head a bit more. There is alot to do, but I have the time and space to do it now...And as I just said, see what comes back. And that will be a clue as to what I am meant to do...

Musical Adventures

I've really been getting busy with my music lately and it's been brilliant! I spent the last two weeks preparing for a 2 hour set at the Classic Grand which I played on Friday and which went down really well. I worked mainly with new tunes which I picked keeping the vibe of the club in mind, but also which appealed to my own taste. In consequence, I feel I have developed my own sound a bit further having stretched myself in this way. It was really fun putting the set together (though a bit exhausting as I would mainly have to do it coming back from work at night) and all the songs seemed to slot into place and into each other much more easily than before. I felt like I had pushed past the wall I hit a couple of months ago where I was holding myself back by being too perfectionistic. (But the perfectionist phase was necessary as it improved my mixing a great deal.)
The main thing I was nervous about with this gig was that it would be my first time playing on a big club system and I was worried about controlling the levels well enough to get a good sound while putting the bass up more than usual. Also I didn't know how responsive my mixer would be when put through the club mixer. But it was fine! I will need a better mixer which can handle more sound and which I can hear the headphones through a bit better (think my headphones may be a bit buggered as a result of the last night as I had to have them up full blast but still couldn't hear...) But all in all I was delighted. The dancefloor was full, people seemed to be really enjoying themselves and told me so afterwards.
But the best thing is that a guy came up to me, he thought my set was fantastic and wanted me to play at another night that he was involved in organising! And turns out he organises gigs in Ireland too and he's well up for me playing there. Anyhoo I gave him my number and hopefully he will get back in touch. If not, there is another gig at Pivo Pivo on the 6th November!
I really love DJing. I love music. I love putting a set together and choosing songs and sharing them with people. And I love the utter absorption it demands of you, you can get completely lost in it. And it's all self-motivated! You don't have to wait for people to show up to work with you or worry about what kinda mood they are gonna be in, you don't have to wait for an opportunity to practise...
So on the Sunday when I had my day off from work, Lewis and I went about town and got stuff together for me to make my new demo. Blank cds and all the stuff you need to print up the covers for them and 2 phono jacks for my soundcard so I can make an extra output in order to be able to record. That is still the sticking point. I downloaded Audacity so I think I may have it solved. Will just need to give it a try the next time I am over at my flat. And Christina took some beautiful pictures at the gig which I will ask if I can use for promo shots.
Then yesterday I went over to a guy called Adam's house to record vocals over one of his electronica tracks. He'd been at a party in my house as he is friends with Vincent and Lorena and played at one of their gigs and he heard my tune on MySpace and liked my voice and thought it would suit this track. I was a bit nervous because I haven't recorded in about six years! But it was a really nice song, quite a sad piece of music and the lyrics quite sparsely visual like Joy Division. I think we got a few good takes for them to use. I really really enjoyed it and I think I will probably be working with them on some further tracks. I would like to anyhow.
But the best news is that I finally have a copy of Reason 4!!! I just find Logic so inaccessible for starting to compose and though I know it will come in handy later (it had better, or it will be a waste of £125), Reason 4 is so visual and practical. Lewis is quite familiar with the earlier version so we are planning to sit down this morning and play with it which will be a good way for me to get to know it...I can't wait! Once I get into that system, I know I can really get to work. And Adam gave me a magazine which is sort of an unofficial guide to the program with lots of user-friendly screenshots etc.
So tis truly an adventure! My wish-list is growing though. Let's see...
Full-version Traktor
New mixer with effects panel
Samson G-Track
Midi Controller
Colour Printer (for demo covers and acting stuff too!)
Oh I love technology...but only once I am friends with it!

De-stasing

I'm not going to talk about how stuck and alternately lethargic and irritable I feel since getting back, like a caged animal only I can't for the life of me see where any real cage is...instead I'm going to talk about things I'm gonna do so I don't feel like I am drowning in molasses any longer. I think not thinking about what I need to do is paralysing me further...

I know I need to start meditating in earnest and not just lying back and listening passively to cds. It's not that I feel like I should, it's that I actually know it would be the best thing for me, so why do I never start?

I think its the state of my flat. I never feel like doing things like that unless I am in control of my surroundings and I've given up making an effort in my flat. It just gets messed straight away and things never remain where they live and there is something so stagnant about the atmosphere in there, I don't know what it is, but I always feel turned off doing anything mildly creative in there or ANYTHING. But I know if I tidy it and clear out everything I don't need in readiness for putting everything in storage I will feel better.

I need to get over to my old flat, go through everything I have in there, decide what is rubbish, what I am giving away and what I am putting into storage. The sooner I do this the better I think!

I need to finalise my set for Friday. I love my new tunes, I have the shape of a really wonderful set, a sense of wholeness and identity that was lacking before. I just need to work in some extra tracks to the overall shape to make it two hours.

I need to record the condensed version of my set, upload it to myspace and elecktra.

I need to get headshots done.

I need to get my DJ promo headshots done.

I need to figure out how to make a demo cd cover with these shots and copy my set onto cd so I have these demos to hand out.

I need to go to the Ramshorn and order shots from all the productions I have been in.

I need to talk to the bank in Ireland. (Oh my finances have never been in such a state!!!)

I think that's enough for now...I have this feeling that just clearing all my stuff is the main thing I want to do for now. I just feel like getting rid, clearing space for everything. Nothing on the outside seems to match the inside anymore, it all seems old and tired and worn. Or maybe I do. I shouldn't, it seems I do nothing but sleep. And I like being alone.

Home

It is so good to be home, albeit under sad circumstances. Although the circumstances have allowed me to witness and appreciate what a wonderful wonderful family I have, of which my aunt Geraldine (who passed away on Saturday after a 9 year battle with cancer) was, and will continue to be by the shining example of a life well-lived, an integral part. Over the last few years, even though I have been away, I have felt us all being pulled closer together all the time. I see my Mum and my Uncles grow into their middle years with such grace and integrity and I see them being drawn ever nearer and nearer back into a family unit in spite of (or maybe because of) the absence of my Grandmother as a unifying figure.
I see my Uncle Michael, a zealous born-again Christian, who has mellowed alot in recent years - having ceased trying to save us from the fires of hell by converting us, to extending to us all an acceptance and a grace in spite of his very sincere fears of the repercussions of our not having Jesus in our hearts - I see him wrestling bravely with placing this tragedy into a context he can understand and find comforting. Although I may not agree with some of his ideas, I look for where they do meet with mine, and I feel privileged to be there to listen to him and gently encourage him as he struggles to make sense with this. I noticed when I arrived that he addressed all his thoughts to me as he spoke, perhaps he felt comfortable to do so, as his religion has been such a bug-bear in the past among his siblings and with me he was on more neutral ground. I didn't propound any of my own thoughts except where I could agree and elaborate on what he was saying. I just felt so glad there was some way in which I could be there. And whatever form it may take, whether I agree with the tenor of it or not, I know his faith is strong and will bring him through.
My cousins, his children are such lovely children, or young adults should I say. I think it meant alot to Matthew, the eldest that I had come straight over, and that meant alot to me! Mum and I went over last night and we could feel how constricted they felt, being bound to the house while still unable to grasp what had happened, yearning for a little normality, so I started taking the mick out of Mum and she gladly let me just because it was so good to see them laughing. And I am so glad that I will be home for a few months in September to be there for the two girls when they go back to school. My plans to come home for a while are making more and more sense in the broader scheme of things.
First of all there is greenery everywhere! I haven't been in town yet, except for when the bus pulled in. I miss nature so much when I live in the city. I understand why I feel so trapped at times, yes there are parks, but it is not the same. And this is my corner of nature. I know it so well...I always feel so much more creative when I am home with Mum as well. Our family are not big ones for getting together and have big family chats although we do do that at times. We much prefer to just be together in the same house and potter about doing our own things. I get so much done that way...Mum and I spent a long time this afternoon together, her making flower arrangements for the funeral (she is truly an artist when it comes to floristry) and me putting a set together with all my new tunes for the DJ gig which Ryan has so kindly offered me on the 15th August. I think it's one of the best sets I've ever played and I hope I can build on it. I look forward to being home and continuing to be creative in many ways. I've felt so blocked for so long, because I always thought of it as a means to an end. Now it is coming clear that it is just a way to be and if something comes of it good and well but my only duty to the world is to feed and clothe and shelter myself, one doesn't need a fancy job that makes one miserable to do that!!!
I was reading, finishing actually, "The Gift of Change" by Marianne Williamson today - a book I look forward to rereading - and in the last chapter she discussed change and how it takes time. She talked about in-betweeny stages where a new self is being born and how these transitions cannot be rushed or forced as you need to grow into this new self. And in the chapter before she talked about God's plan and how it is synonymous with your happiness, they are not things you need to choose between. I feel so certain that coming home now is the right thing to do. Why I do not know, but I know.

A Course in Miracles

I am at as loss in terms of knowing what to write about this because I am finding it all so confusing in my mind. But since starting this blog, I have found it good just to start writing about what I am experiencing as I get to know some of my thoughts about it. Having to express it in a way that makes sense is good mental discipline and almost makes me feel like I am gettin back in touch with my creativity.
I have been pretty much faithfully doing the course for twenty-three days now, reading the daily chapter and doing the exercises that go with it. I don't hugely enjoy reading the chapter. I find it difficult to penetrate the meaning of what is said, even more so to apply it to my everyday life. Not understanding makes me feel a bit stupid at times and that is somewhat uncomfortable for me! Sometimes what I read one day clarifies what I have struggled with before, but overall what irks me is that I really don't know what I think of it all! Is that the product of a mind that has become somewhat lazy - in the sense of avidly reading so many ideas and just taking them in with out seemingly processing or wrestling with them - or am I just going through that inner confusion which heralds true learning? Or is it all just a loada bollocks???
See, having read "A Return to Love" and most of "The Gift of Change" by Marianne Williamson, I really cannot agree with the last statement. But Marianne Williamson's books make so much more sense than "ACIM". At times I ask myself, is this book just contradicting itself? But I don't have a good enough grasp of the material to answer that. I feel so far behind it. I wish I could bring up some of the cases in which I thought this happened, but I am sorry to admit that alot of it just goes over my head and does not commit to my memory. The basic gist of the Course comes across and I am familiar with it from Williamson's writings - it fits in with the mentality of the lovely Florence Scovel Shinn books which got me through some very difficult times - and I like it. I think it is a positive way in which to use my mind.
It's just got me panicking a little because I begin to think "Oh God what have I done wrong to cause this?" when something negative happens or I have a bad day in spite of all my hard work. These things pass of course, but instead of feeling mentally empowered, at times sometimes I feel at the mercy of the power of my mind, if that makes any sense! I think it good to take responsibility for my thoughts and how they manifest in my life, but at times it is a huge pressure and terrifies me. My faults and shortcomings become clearer to me and they just seem endless! How can I ever sort them all out? If I have an uncharitable thought or react badly to something that upsets me, I always pray afterwards and say to God "Please help me to see this differently" I try to bless those people and situations I am having most difficulty with, I ask God to remove the thoughts which are unworthy of my better self. But at the moment it is tiring and disheartening to say the least. I wanna go back to my ignorance and have a good old moan or bitch, but that feels uncomfortable too!
Ach, this is probably a part of the process and transformation will occur subtly and for the best. I find the exercises easier to access than the readings. I do them with as open a mind as possible. Sometimes the premise is a little obscure like, "What I see is a form of vengeance", but then on the obscure days weird little insights come to me, seemingly unrelated to the central lesson and on the days where the exercises seem to make sense, I don't really seem to get anything out of them. And sometimes I disagree, "Is this the world I really want to see?" is supposed to be answered in the negative, but at times I am happy with looking around and seeing things just as they are.
And what confuses me too...should I have no dreams or plans whatsoever in case they have nothing to do with God's Will for me? Sometimes I feel guilty when glimmers of fantasy of ambition arise and other times I get worried that this course will cause me to lapse into some form of apathetic fatalism. All of this seems to be contributing to some form of spiritual lethargy.
I think I have had my surfeit of spiritual books for the present. I have a few to finish of course and I am really enjoying them, but my brain is becoming so overloaded with all that stuff, it's having no chance to process. I need a bit of fiction in my life! I read Jane Austen's "Persuasion" on a complete whim the other week and it was a breath of fresh air!!! And the other night, for the first time in almost a year, I picked up a book that had to do with theatre "The Complete Stanislavsky Toolkit" and I am enjoying the little bit I have read so far...
Of course I will stick with ACIM but I need to relax...

Faith Matters

My Faith is becoming like the rest of my life. I don’t know where I fit, and worse still, I don’t know any longer where I want to fit. I think I have been reading too many spiritual books and have reached overload, to the point where I don’t know what I think or believe. I like many things I read, I agree with much of it and I see that much of it has in common. Rather than choosing different frameworks, I feel comfortable accepting them all as valid and am highly interested in how they are constructed. I see so much potential for them to interlink and enhance one another, but my lazy, messy brain prefers to just take it all in rather than organise it in any way...
For some reason I call myself a Catholic. Perhaps because I was baptised Catholic or perhaps because I was sitting in a Catholic church in Edinburgh waiting for my friend to come out of confession (I had gone to give her moral support as this was a big deal for her), staring at an icon of a Saint, when a big rush of energy came down upon me and filled me with a sense of the Divine and a need to get closer...Some might call this the Holy Spirit, whatever it was, it was a very tangible feeling and not of my own making. I started going to Church again, I started reading everything about the Divine I could lay my hands on. It became a way of curing me of the depression I had been suffering from.
But there were things I didn’t like. Especially in my interactions with a certain Catholic friend of mine who was delighted I was going to Church. (Even though she didn’t go to Church herself, but this is not a discussion of her faith, is it?) She used to talk to me in a delighted, patronising way when we brought up our beliefs and found we differed, saying “Oh you’re only at the start of your journey now, but someday you’ll understand the Truth about this” As if our belief systems would homogenise when I “caught up” with her.
Or “Oh I know you don’t want to think this is true, but I have read all about it.” Yes but where did you read it? Did you read the other side of the story?
Sometimes I was afraid to bring things up because it seemed as though they had to pass muster with her. She seemed pleased that she had someone as part of her club now, but displeased when I didn’t conform to the membership rules. “Yes, very good you’re saying the Rosary. Ooh I like this book you’ve given me but what’s this? It has the word occult in it. What do you mean, it’s in a different context? Oh, hmm I’m not sure, yeah yeah whatever. What, you don’t believe in the Devil? Oh, no, his trick is working on you, he’s fooled you, he wants you to think that he doesn’t exist, that’s how he gets his power. Oh I’ve read all about the Devil and I’ve talked to priests who did exorcisms, I know all about it.”
The one highly offensive thing she said was to suggest that the reason I had had a nervous breakdown and suffered from depression was because I had been reading about Taoism and had visited lots of Hindu Temples while in Bali the previous year. I had been “possessed by a spirit of depression” because I had left myself open to it. I was furious. What utter mumbo jumbo! What an ignorant denigration of everything that I had been through to bring me to that point.
It didn’t put me off though, I just stopped taking religious conversations with her seriously anymore and focused on the more frivolous aspects of our friendship, of which I am delighted to say there are many and which make her a very enjoyable person to have around on so many other levels. I took into account that we are all brought up differently and that even if she can’t respect my outlook, it is a very big part of my moral code that I can allow her to have hers.
I still went to Church spasmodically, I read voraciously - Julian of Norwich, the Big Book of Women Saints, C.S. Lewis, St Theresa of Avila, St Therese of Lisieux. I said the Rosary for a while until I felt there was no substance in my prayers and I wanted something else to happen before I could go back to it. I still prayed regularly...I went to Church even less, but still kept involved in my faith. I kept it very private though, like it could be hurt if I revealed it to anyone. I would say to someone if it came up that I had faith, but I didn’t discuss the substance of it. Partly because I wasn’t quite sure yet what it consisted of, besides a belief in God, and also because no one would really ask me what it consisted of once they had garnered this information. They would usually just presume that they knew exactly what I believed and would go on about Catholicism and organised religion and kiddy-fiddlers and there would be nowhere to go with the discussion because I would be in complete agreement about the organised religion bit and I wouldn’t find the words to explain how my attraction to the mass and the sacred space of the church is a very private and mysterious thing for me that I don’t fully understand.
The other thing was “How can you take drugs and be a Catholic?” I can’t answer that, I just do and its no one’s business except mine and God’s. I feel that God will accept me as I am and that as I engage with him my soul will sort itself out slowly through his will as long as I remain open. And that has definitely been the case. My lifestyle has subtly altered, I just don’t seem to be taking anything or even drinking very much over the last few months, and this is without my having to make any grand sweeping gestures that can just as immediately be gone back upon.
I went to a Catholic Youth Group last week which another devout friend of mine had been organising and I wanted to support her. This friend is very open and accepting of other people’s beliefs, she is interested and asks questions and yet maintains what she believes when she needs to without any defensiveness or self-righteousness. It was a lovely mass and afterwards I had a tea with the other young people. They were all very nice, but unfortunately as I am used to having a good joke with my friend over these matters, I may have overestimated their capacity for humour about the Pope when I said he looked like a “Scary Old Rascal” (in a nice way!) and mused over how different it must have been for him presiding over the Youth 2000 conference in Australia in comparison to the Hitler-Jungend rallies he attended in his youth!
I was unlucky enough to fall in conversation with a girl that even my friend finds “difficult” as she explained to me later. I made it clear to her that I had been joking and I listened with great interest to her defence of the Pope, to the extent that I was glad I had made my joke otherwise I wouldn’t have heard an alternative viewpoint to all the negative stuff we hear in the media (which can hardly be objective for, after all, the Church is hardly fashionable). At first it was all very pleasant, we mused on how lovely it would be to have a “Good News” program on the tv which reported all the nice things that people do for others. I then started talking about the Carolyn Myss book that I have been reading which is full of lovely stories of services and good deeds people have done for others, all organised and defined around each chakra.
That word was enough to bring the conversation to a halt, she was no longer listening to what I was saying. She tensed up and said she had to warn me that “Chakras are dangerous. That’s all New Age stuff. I just wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t warn you.” I knew where this was going, I felt myself clamming up immediately, I didn’t want to discuss this and yet I gently tried to explain that chakras are merely an ancient way of understanding how energy moves around the body and that it stems from forms of Eastern spiritual practice that are far older than Christianity. Her face remained blank as if to say “So what?” “Take Hinduism for instance, Brahman/Vishnu/Shiva are a trinity just like God/Jesus/The Holy Spirit. It’s so interesting to see how these religions are interrelated. And I love learning about all the different frameworks other cultures use.”
“I don’t understand how you can believe in two religions at the same time” she looked disgusted and I couldn’t think straight because something in me was hurting. I ended up backtracking and saying that while I chose to practise Catholicism, I still liked to read about other cultures religions. Or something to that effect. It wasn’t quite the truth but at the time I just couldn’t do justice to my thoughts.
You see I guess I reckon I was naive in thinking that as young people they wouldn’t be all caught up with the organised part of it and just saw Catholicism as a meaningful way of practising their spirituality. I guess I saw hope for the Church to reenter the world in a way that does not scare or exclude people, that allows them a sense of humour and mischief, that moves with the times and responds to people’s needs in the here and now, reevaluate things so as not to press any undue guilt on people. I think I am silly to expect that, and I am not saying that certain standards shouldn’t be adhered to, but to have to confess playing with yourself in the confessional, as if that were a sin!!!
It scares me how ignorant they are about the history of their own religion and of the wider mythological, historical and anthropological contexts in which it has evolved. I am but scratching at the surface and I can already to see that the belief systems they revile are far closer to them than they think. It scares me that they can’t think for themselves. It saddens me that their close-mindedness undoes alot of the good work their devotion to goodness could otherwise accomplish, let alone the fact that it puts other people off having faith or becoming involved in the Catholic faith in any way.
It has definitely put me off. Something about that conversation has hurt me and I can’t put my finger on it. It has probably hit on a wider sense of not being able to find somewhere that I belong. At times I feel trampled on by both the atheists and the believers. They each seem as closed-minded as each other, certain words seem to unleash diatribes that have no bearing on the subtleties that are working themselves out inside me. (That, or I have a lazy mind. Part of my reason for writing this is to see if I can clarify things for myself somewhat.) They keep trying to pigeon-hole me, or get me to explain something which is as yet not intellectually tangible for me.
My faith is so important to me, it is a huge part of my life, but not as something I subscribe to and fit myself around. It is a growing entity in itself, like a child I do not yet know who it is. I know what interests me, what resonates. It is gradually showing me a more positive way of perceiving and interacting with my world, and I am becoming more and more aware of when I fail to do justice to my better self, but also happier when I find opportunities to do just that.
I guess it’s about my private relationship with God and not any religion. I see him in every belief system, in every sacred space, in every person. There are so many way of communing with him, so many forms of meditation, of prayer, of worship, so many theologies. And they all seem to intersect in fundamental ways. Another day I want to write a bit further about this topic, to explore in a more positive way what exactly it is I do believe, what makes sense to me. The big question I am left with this week though, is “Is it necessary for me to be a Catholic? Or am I trying to find a home in place where I do not really belong?”

Bewilderment

I am pretty much qualified for only one job, well, on paper, as I have an MA in Theatre Directing. So imagine my delight when a job came up at a professional theatre for a year's post as in-house Trainee Director. Finally a job spec that matched where I am at in my career perfectly. So I sent in my CV and application form and, as requested, a letter stating why I am the best person for the job. I always find these things difficult to write, but I had an heroic stab at it, most of the text is included below...I was a little delayed in confirming references, but ended up sending them two very good references last week.
The thing is, I just found out today I never even got shortlisted for interview. Beyond my disappointment, I'd just love to know where I had gone wrong in my application so that things like this do not continue to happen, so that I am no longer excluded from my chosen metier, so that I can begin to build a career. I have great faith in my skills and I have excellent experience, as well as training in some very interesting subjects. But there is something about me that just doesn't seem to fit in to theatre land. I know I am probably limiting myself by even writing this down and I need to correct this problem at thought level, but I guess I am seeking a greater cosmic answer as to why I am continually thwarted in this career in spite of my investment of time, passion and energy. Is this God's way of saying "Don't pursue this? There is something better that you can do?" But I have no inkling of what that would be. Or is he teaching me perseverance? That I have to learn to keep putting myself out there and just being myself in spite of it all.
As soon as I received the news, my boyfriend started going on about how I need to learn how to portray myself, that I need to be realistic about the"rat-race" etc etc, that maybe I should think of an alternative career. I told him, "I don't even know what career I want right now" I kinda didn't need to hear all that. I don't really want to change who I am, I accept that maybe I can look at my application critically and see if there is anything I can refine, but change? He said that I'd probably keep applying and get some shitty job somewhere I didn't want to end up.
Am I in denial for not wanting to listen to that? Am I not being realistic in not wanting to change who I am? Am I being foolish to persevere? Is there something I am just getting wrong that I can't see? Am I the wrong kind of person for this industry? Or do I just have to work through this to find the lesson? I am sure if God intended something else for me, it would be alot clearer. Oh I am terribly confused! I can't think of the most constructive way to think of this, other than that job was not for me and there is probably a wonderful opportunity coming along which I can't yet have considered which I would have missed had I got it.
That is of course on a Cosmic level. I am still utterly bewildered as to why my skills didn't recommend themselves on a human level!

"I am extremely excited about the prospect of applying for the post of Trainee Director at the ----- Theatre. Having worked in Theatre for thirteen years now and dedicated most of that time towards developing myself through various methods of training and exploring my passion through both professional and self-motivated practice, I feel the post has a lot to offer me in the further training it affords, the opportunity to learn from the experience of those who have been working in my field for longer than I and the focus it will provide in challenging me to synthesise all that I have learned to become a true professional, fully capable of being able to function in and contribute to the professional arena and the community in a wider sense.
Equally I feel I have a lot to offer as a candidate for this position. I have experienced a wide variety of training methods and have cultivated a number of skills, some of which I have chosen to develop further in my own time after the initial training had taken place. As well as having trained as a theatre director on the MA in Theatre Directing at Middlesex University, I trained as an actor at the Gaiety School of Acting in Dublin where I got a thorough grounding in all basic skills an actor needs, such as Voice, Movement, Text etc. This gives me greater insight as a director into the actor’s process, is wonderful for troubleshooting on a technical level and understanding what their needs or perspectives might be in rehearsal. Also at the Gaiety, I was introduced to a myriad of other disciplines including clowning, short and long-form improvisation, Viewpoints and other forms of devising. These can often serve to enrich the rehearsal process.
I was very fortunate to be accepted onto the MA course at Middlesex without a prior degree, as the course leader Leon Rubin had confidence that my previous experience demonstrated my ability to complete the course (which I have just graduated from this Summer, having handed in m dissertation last fall.) The unique set-up of the course allowed me to explore four very specific aspects of theatre in great detail and gave me a great armoury of skills with which to work. At the Middlesex campus I did intensive modules on directing Shakespeare and Comedy where my teachers included Leon Rubin, John Russell Brown and Janet Suzman. I then travelled to Moscow to study at the Russian Academy of Theatre Art (GITIS) where I explored the techniques of Michael Chekhov as well as getting an important grounding in the work of Stanislavsky and Meyerhold’s Biomechanics. The following year I travelled to Bali to study at ISI, Denpasar for a module on Theatre of the East.
What was most valuable about working in these countries was that it made me become much more open to different perspectives on performance and rehearsal and much more flexible in the way I approached things, opening up a whole new range of possibilities in my mind. Finally, I applied my passion for Michael Chekhov and Long-form Improvisation to explore a unique way of rehearsing for Howard Barker’s “Wounds to the Face” and created a Director’s Workbook for my dissertation.
I felt it important to develop what I had learned in the course and take it further for this project. The continual development of my craft is very important to me and while I have been in Glasgow I have taken a great deal of time to do further study on what interests me and learn through working with other people in my own time. Three topics from my training that have particularly seduced me so far are the work of Michael Chekhov, Chicago-style long-form Improv and, more recently, Viewpoints. In July 2006, I set up an Improv Ensemble and Theatre Company with other actors to explore Long-form Improv with a view to regular performances. I gained a great deal from this project which lasted a year. We would meet three times weekly for three hours at a time and worked to create an ensemble which could create sustained and completely spontaneous performances from an audience suggestion. However, we used the rehearsal time not only to master improvisation skills, but also to deepen and innovate these skills through the work of Michael Chekhov. We also went onto develop some interesting work on archetypes and the ideas of Augusto Boal. As a group I am proud to say we had some very successful performances at the Comedy Festival and the West End Festival, and I gained a great deal as a director in the sense that this gave me great opportunity to explore and innovate. I took much of this work into my final dissertation.
As a result of all this I feel I have a lot to offer in terms of workshops as well as in rehearsal, both with professional actors and young people. Prior to moving to the UK, I worked for 18 months with the Gaiety Youth Theatre company as administrator, assistant director and teacher for young people between the ages of 15 and 19. I very much enjoyed this and learned a lot from supporting them in putting on shows, nurturing their talent and teaching them new skills, allowing them to surprise themselves with talents they never thought they had and instilling them the importance of working as a good ensemble. For this reason I am extremely excited about the possibility of working with -----.
While working as an actor over in Ireland, I gained experience working in the professional industry and its demands with large companies such as The Gate and The Machine. I also did some stage management and costume for Druid and other touring companies. As I mentioned earlier with my acting experience, this knowledge of other facets of working in theatre gives me much more insight into the perspectives of those I am working with as a director so that I can be realistic in what I am asking of them, but also in certain cases, knowing what they are capable of, much braver. When working on a production, however, I find it imperative that I remain conscious at all times of what hat I am wearing in any given situation and act accordingly. From having directed full-scale productions of “Dangerous Liaisons” and “The Talented Mr Ripley” (both of which I am happy to say had sell out performances!) and also having set up my own theatre company, Razed Curtain, for a time, I have had good exposure to the practicalities involved in putting on a production. This includes budgets, fundraising, hiring and organising rehearsals, but most importantly as a director, in being able to come up with inventive and meaningful concepts for shows that are restricted by budget. This, for me, is sometimes a very enjoyable part of my work!
At the end of the day, however, I love directing because I love working with actors. I love finding ways to bring performances out in them that they never thought they were capable of and in delighting the audience through this. I love to create a safe and dynamic rehearsal space where they feel they can give their best and where they genuinely get a sense of their own artistry. This is why Chekhov and Improv and Viewpoints appeal so much to me. I also love directing because I get to involve my passion for music and film and literature and visual arts and travel in creating new worlds that others can co-create and inhabit and witness. I believe in theatre’s capacity to give back to the community and the wider society in rich and life-affirming ways. I believe in drama as a tool for helping people to access parts in themselves they never realised existed, whether as performers or audience members, and this is an important part of why I am applying for this role. I have been living in Glasgow for three years now and this has become my home. I realise this may sound somewhat sentimental, but I have a great liking and admiration for this city and its people and I have enjoyed engaging with them through my theatre practice during my time here. This role would allow me to do this on an even more consistent basis and, through working with -----, allow me to give back more to this community which has made me feel so welcome."

Too sentimental? To passionate? Or am I just a weirdo without knowing it??? Or should I even bother to think about all this? Or will they give me feedback if I ask so I can choose to act on it in future?
Far too many questions...I'm going to download more techno!

We are all hypocrites, so who are we to judge?

Something happened the other evening. There is a girl in my group of friends who we shall call Claire for the sake of anonymity. Her friends and herself have been part of our circle for a few months now and suddenly she has been exposed to be a liar and a thief. I have been avoiding all the intrigue and recrimination as these are not close friends of mine however much they try to insinuate their dramas into my life, but I arrived at a party on Friday night and she was there.
Apparently she had confessed everything and was told she must apologise to everyone involved. I personally don't know what lies she has told me, but to be quite honest, I had never liked her based on what she had told me about herself. I had liked her because I liked her and I decided that wasn't going to change.
She is not the most mentally stable, she is young and takes a hell of alot more drugs than I reckon are good for her, especially if it really is true she has cancer. (Who knows???) Her friends are considerably older. They are a couple. Susan is her long-standing friend, who is willing to stand by her in spite of her lies, but if she changes her ways. Susan's boyfriend, Dave, is none too stable himself (actually none of them are, much as I like to meet them all occasionally at a party), and for some reason wants to get to the bottom of everything and pretty much take this girl down.
I apologise if none of this mess is very clear, it is precisely the details that they are so obsessed with that do not interest me. What interests me is the presumption of this man to suggest that this young girl get down on her knees to each and every person and beg their forgiveness for what she has been and done. This shocked me. The girl was crying and saying "I know I'm a terrible person etc etc". Thankfully it didn't come down to that rigmarole of begging for mercy in a room full of drug-addled people.
I looked around us all and said quietly to those who were talking to me about her "Look at us all. We're all hypocrites. Who in this room can say we haven't lied in our lives? Look at the lives we all lead, none of us are perfect. What right have we to demand prostration from someone else?" I didn't add that God always sees this girl as perfect and loved, He is the only one she need bow down to for forgiveness and it is our job to treat her as He would treat her. This is not to say that she need not apologise and make amends in time and where she feels it is in order, but to be humiliated in front of a whole room! The person who would expect that of her is worse than she ever is.
Everyone looked uncomfortable with her crying and I had to go home to get sleep for work the next day, so I took her with me and put her to bed. She was frightened and full of self-loathing. I told her not to worry and time would sort everything out. That she needs to get to the bottom of why she lies and steals for her own good, that that is not the way I see her because she has never given me any trouble. That it would probably do her good to stay sober for a bit while she sorts herself out. I asked her "Beyond all that, you know who you are at your very best, don't you?" She said she did. "Well don't forget that."
It was an odd point of view for me to take, but all the mess just didn't seem real to me. It didn't matter to me if she had lied to me in the past. I told her I had no interest in her explanations either just at that time as they weren't important. What was important was for her to feel safe enough to calm down and sleep. There was no condoning the action (especially if she has lied about having cancer), but I couldn't help but see past the action to the person, who is frightened and wounded and needed at that time to have her human dignity affirmed for her.

To begin at the beginning...

Do you know, it's very strange...I never know what title to put on a blog post, at least I rarely do and this one just popped into my mind. As I tried to recall what it was (they are the opening lines from Dylan Thomas' wonderful play for voices Under Milk Wood), I then had a fuzzy remembrance of dreaming about that play last night, or at least those lines. I have no idea what else happened, but I am wondering how much of our nocturnal wanderings shape what goes on in our day. How much do we dream? How significant is it in our lives? I don't know the answer, but it has excited my interest.
I've had really vivid dreams in the last few months. I don't remember them all very clearly, just moments or impressions. Often they are impressions of great richness, in the way you get the sense of a mythology as being very rich - and you know what they say about our dreams being part of the great collective unconscious!!! Sometimes I want to just keep sleeping so I can inhabit this fantastical world, even if it is at times scary, because it seems so much more. It is nice for the brain not to be limited by the "realities" of the everyday world, to be part of fairytales and magic and adventure.
And often it is the sense of the deeper truth is coming across through these very resounding images and sensations. Sometimes you know you have grasped this truth when you wake up even though you don't know it with the part of your brain that you use throughout your waking hours. I used to think that all these truths were lost as soon as you awoke, but now I think differently. I don't think we store all our knowledge in our immediate consciousness, I think we learn differently from the way we are taught to, if that makes sense! We don't always need to understand things immediately, we simply take them in and they are processed and assimilated without our conscious effort. Our interior lives change beyond our conscious perception, through living, through practice.
And sometimes you wake up and you know exactly what God or your higher self or your unconscious (whichever you choose, tis not the main point of distinction here!) has been trying to tell you. I had a really interesting dream just over a week ago. Normally I don't recall dreams in enough detail to be able to make a huge amount of sense of them beyond the feelings they leave me with (which I suspect at times act alongside my intuition), but this one, perhaps for the first time in years, I wanted to write down because I had a really strong feeling I knew exactly what it meant when I woke up.
I was stuck alone in this scary house and I knew there were two rooms in the house I was terrified to go into because they were haunted, there were horrible things in there I didn’t want to encounter. And I don’t know if there were things I was scared of outside and maybe I was waiting for people to arrive, but I knew I had to be alone for a spell of time. So to protect myself, I started going through the house systematically turning on all the lights, but I couldn’t go near those two rooms. However, I thought the rest of the lights would keep me safe. The thing is I am not sure if it was to keep me safe from what was outside or what was in those rooms or both...
When I think about this dream, especially in the context of what happened the day before, when two unpleasant things happened that raised ugly ghosts from the past, bringing me back to an old way of seeing myself that I had thought I was finished with and I was a state for the rest of the day, the first thing I realised was that the house was my soul. It's what they generally say, isn't it? And it was strange cause I had only imagining my soul as a house the day before and had pictured all the different rooms it would need as I was falling asleep.
I have been reading alot of Marianne Williamson lately and of how she says we need to bring light to the darkness inside of us, to confront it with light rather than staying in the dark and over-analysing it. And it seems I am doing that, but the dream seemed to show me there are more rooms in my soul that I need to be brave enough to go into in order to heal. There was a strong message that I need to be brave enough to bring light in there.
I am not speaking today as an expert on dreams, or even an enthusiast. I wasn't even going to write about dreams until the title of my post brought me into this territory which I hadn't even realised was interesting me as much as it has been, but I want to keep this blog to muse over things more and explore what is going on in my head as I don't really have the opportunity right now, or perhaps am just unwilling to share it in everyday conversation. I haven't written in ever so long and I just took this up as an impulse after reading the thoughts of a friend on his blog without a clue what to write about.
I mentioned the notion of practice earlier and the notion of practising even when you don't fully understand yet. I am speaking in relation to A Course in Miracles which I have taken up recently. In general, I have been faithfully reading one chapter a day and doing the accompanying exercises. I find the text difficult to penetrate and some of the exercises quite obscure, but I find as I go, the text is revealing more and more and the exercises provide some supreme moments of insight which flicker for a moment and then disappear back into the swirl of my thoughts, my ego. But, like with my dreams, I know they are working. They just are.
I realised when I studied abroad in Moscow and Bali, when I overcame my resistance to the truth inherent in contradiction and the my need to have information delivered to me as it were on a platter, beautifully presented and ready to digest, that this where what you need sinks in at a deeper level. It becomes part of you and because it creates a certain amount of mental conflict, it individualises what you take in, thereby neutralising the danger of a generic learning experience or, even worse, a brainwashing effect. It helps us to learn with our intuition.
And it helps you to realise, no matter how much you learn, you don't know much!