Song: If You Seek … by Thomas Merton

If you seek a heavenly light
I, Solitude, am your professor!

I go before you into emptiness,
Raise strange suns for your new mornings,
Opening the windows
Of your innermost apartment.

When I, loneliness, give my special signal
Follow my silence, follow where I beckon!
Fear not, little beast, little spirit
(Thou word and animal)
I, Solitude, am angel
And have prayed in your name.

Look at the empty, wealthy night
The pilgrim moon!
I am the appointed hour,
The “now” that cuts
Time like a blade.

I am the unexpected flash
Beyond “yes,” beyond “no,”
The forerunner of the Word of God.

Follow my ways and I will lead you
To golden-haired suns,
Logos and music, blameless joys,
Innocent of questions
And beyond answers:
For I, Solitude, am thine own self:
I, Nothingness, am thy All.
I, Silence, am thy Amen!

A Day for Contemplation

I am having a quiet day all to myself today. The last week has been so busy, getting everything organised for the drama classes I am hoping to run. I have been getting flyers designed, ready and then been going all around town putting them up and handing them out. So far I have five or six signed up for classes, one person has signed up for three different workshop. So the next step is to start getting all my thoughts in order for these classes. Plan out a rough shape, and reread enough to inspire myself to teach again.
I've also been making some headway as regards making contacts with the University. I have about three different people who want to meet up with me to talk theatre, one of them the head of the BA Acting course recently set up there and another a lecturer on the MA in Theatre Studies who has spent alot of time in Russia, so we have alot of common interests. I am looking forward to just talking. I hope I can remember how to talk about theatre. Lately I have just been putting one foot in front of the other and going with what is happening. So I won't panic. I have no idea what I want out of any of this so there is nothing to get nervous about. I do need to jump into reading my Chekhov and Stanislavski books though. Any scrap of free time I've had for reading lately has been spent on "Entering the Castle" which has been consuming my attention. Feels so horrible to need to wrest away from it when I am finding it so absorbing! I am only reading it for now and listening to the cds to get an overview. Partly because there is so much in it and I want to get a sense of trajectory and I suppose partly because some of the work seems so very hard in it. When I read the exercises in some of the rooms, I can't even begin to think of answers for them. So I guess that's why I am just getting a feel for it right now, beginning to pray more and write the odd private journal entry.
Today though, I feel like starting. I made a journal on my laptop just for working on it, where I can write my exercises and put anything that inspires me from the book into. I want to collect images of the different rooms to spark my imagination, I want to put quotes and favourite pieces of sacred writing in there. Like a kind of scrapbook/journal that is for my eyes only.
Then when I was looking for an image of the castle that appealed to me, I came across a couple of different blogs (not on blogger, with different hosts) that really appealed to me, of people writing about their spiritual quests and exploring the relationship between Art and the Spirit. The relationship between Art and Mysticism is really beginning to interest me. For now, anyway. I am a fickle soul. I have commitment problems!
But I guess that is why I did start this blog. To explore the effects my spiritual search is having on my life. Within the bounds of privacy of course! What I promised myself was to write each time only on a given topic without being too confessional or digressive as if I was writing it only for myself. To write as if I was writing for others, though I don't mind in the least if anyone reads it or not. I guess to impose some discipline on my mind by consciously forming thoughts which I need to take responsibility for as there is the possibility others could see them. To solidify my inner life somewhat? It is so nebulous in there!
So I should write in it more. I feel bad that I haven't. But on the other hand I am aware that, in this period of my life, there is a need for privacy too and sometimes I don't have anything to say that I would like to say to anyone else. That's why I need to start "Entering the Castle" properly today, even if I haven't fully given the book the once over. (I can still finish it from the point I am at in the Sixth Mansion and start from the start in greater and more laborious detail).
I just don't want the self-examination in the first three mansions to become too morbid!

The Lesson of Recession

It's all they have been talking about in Ireland, much more so than in Scotland before I left. I guess because the Celtic Tiger had made such a dramatic change in our economy and outlook. Now apparently all the builder's cheques are bouncing, my Uncle says the Building Industry could single-handedly bring down the banks.
So a strange time for me to downsize my life so drastically? I don't know. Perhaps my life is a microcosm of the nation as a whole. I think we are going to need to learn to downsize and simplify quite considerably. And I don't think that is a bad thing. Over the past few days I have been looking at how I am going to manage to live and it's not too scary if I am willing to focus on what I have got and on what interests me. If I am willing to live simply and learn new skills in not wasting resources or money but keeping it only for what matters, I think the quality of my life is going to improve greatly.
Perhaps the whole world needs to learn that. Maybe that is why the recession is coming, to restore us to some form of equilibrium. To reappraise our priorities. To learn to really take care of ourselves, not cater to passing whims (of which I have been guilty), to learn to take care of one another, to learn humility again, to rediscover what simple pleasures are, what true dignity is as opposed to the status conferred by money. I hope Ireland learns this lesson well.

Tales from Home

The last part of August was such a time of upheaval, illness and overall numbness that I couldn't bring myself to write at all. I guess I was in a state of dread at the prospect of a big move (I HATE packing!), a state of alternate futility and rebellion at my job where I seemed to get no financial return for the hours I was putting in, only rudeness from the higher level staff, and all this led to a state of panic about my finances and my energy levels. Blah Blah Blah. You can see why I didn't bother to write about it!!!
So now I am home. And while I am terribly sad to leave my lovely friends in Glasgow, some of whom mean a great deal to me, and while I was terribly touched by the way many of them turned up at such short notice for my leaving drinks at Bar 91, and while part of me is hurting at the thought of my boyfriend being sad at my leaving him and feeling a bit bad that I was so preoccupied and numb in the time running up to my departure, as if I couldn't be present to him in the time that he had left with me...I am feeling much better now. And everything seems to be confirming that this is the right decision.
Nature is everywhere here. And I have said it before but I do not realise how much I have been missing it until I come back into it again. I have had long walks by the sea every day since I have been back. Yesterday I walked for 90 minutes while my Mum had coffee with her friend and it was wonderful. On Thursday the weather was so lovely I even went for a swim in the sea at Blackrock. I haven't done that since I was a child! The water was freezing at first, so much so that I thought I was going to faint as soon as I immersed my body in it, but I quickly got accustomed and swam out to the raft and back twice. And when I got out of the water, my whole body was tingling deliciously and it was a pleasure to wrap myself up warm in my clothes again.
Mum and I have been cooking simple and healthy meals which I have been really enjoying - homemade vegetable soup with open soda bread sandwiches, peppered steak with salad and potatoes, quiche and salad, weetabix and banana. I know all of this is going to bring my energy levels back to the point where I will feel like I can really do things again.
We listened to the first cd of Carolyn Myss' "Entering the Castle" yesterday evening and enjoyed it greatly, I listened to most of the second cd while I walked the prom today. I love what she has to say. I think I will take up her suggestion and take up a private journal as I work through her cd. I definitely want to get the book too. This is a quiet, simple time for me, for rest and reflection, for catching up with myself and for simply letting things happen.
A solution has presented itself for my financial problems, so Mum and I are going to go into the bank on Monday to see if it is possible to implement. I think it will be and it will take all that pressure off. As regards an income, Mum has spoken to the convenience store just three minutes from where we live and it is a quiet area, and they may have some part time work for me, which would be perfect for the moment. So I will find out about that after the weekend.
Even musically things seem to be ironing out so far. First of all, I was pleasantly surprised to read in the paper that one of my favourite DJ/producers Sebastien Leger was to play in the GPO last night. I've wanted to see him for so long and never expected that he would play in Galway as he is quite a big name and we are quite a small city with a limited club scene (apparently). So my brother and his friend Marie came with me last night and we had an absolute blast! The crowd was great, we danced alot and had some friendly banter and got to shake Leger's hand after a really fun set. (Though I wish he had played a little more of his own stuff which is so deliciously clever and quirky and punchy...apparently he writes it on Ableton, or such was the information I managed to elicit from him before he was whisked off in a car!)
On top of that, there is a music course in Logic Express especially for DJs who want to start producing their own music, one evening a week in GTI and it is well reasonable. Mum and I have started a little pot to attract money for it over the next two weeks. And so far I have had a couple of wee windfalls. So I now have €17.50 saved towards the €115 it will cost! (Note for Mark, think the course will be helpful in my work for TB too!)
And FINALLY I got the recording software for my DJ sets working, so the last two days I have recorded an hour of mixing each, to listen back and see what works and what doesn't. Not feeling majorly inspired just now, but pressing on anyhow and so glad to have my complete set-up by the window, looking out on the lawn and the fields beyond...I have a set ready to record and my brother who loves doing graphics is well up for doing the cd covers to hand out.
Also my other brother, Paddy is familiar with Reason (though he has Reason 3) and I am gonna spend a few hours over at his to learn a bit more and hook up his midi controller to my computer so I can do more interesting stuff...
When I have some cash saved and all debts sorted, I am going to get my hair cut (tis an absolute disaster!) and get some new headshots done so I can blitz Dublin and Glasgow with acting cvs. Just to put myself out there and see what comes back...And am thinking of talking to a few places in Galway next week about teaching classes, once it all starts coming together in my head a bit more. There is alot to do, but I have the time and space to do it now...And as I just said, see what comes back. And that will be a clue as to what I am meant to do...