Home

It is so good to be home, albeit under sad circumstances. Although the circumstances have allowed me to witness and appreciate what a wonderful wonderful family I have, of which my aunt Geraldine (who passed away on Saturday after a 9 year battle with cancer) was, and will continue to be by the shining example of a life well-lived, an integral part. Over the last few years, even though I have been away, I have felt us all being pulled closer together all the time. I see my Mum and my Uncles grow into their middle years with such grace and integrity and I see them being drawn ever nearer and nearer back into a family unit in spite of (or maybe because of) the absence of my Grandmother as a unifying figure.
I see my Uncle Michael, a zealous born-again Christian, who has mellowed alot in recent years - having ceased trying to save us from the fires of hell by converting us, to extending to us all an acceptance and a grace in spite of his very sincere fears of the repercussions of our not having Jesus in our hearts - I see him wrestling bravely with placing this tragedy into a context he can understand and find comforting. Although I may not agree with some of his ideas, I look for where they do meet with mine, and I feel privileged to be there to listen to him and gently encourage him as he struggles to make sense with this. I noticed when I arrived that he addressed all his thoughts to me as he spoke, perhaps he felt comfortable to do so, as his religion has been such a bug-bear in the past among his siblings and with me he was on more neutral ground. I didn't propound any of my own thoughts except where I could agree and elaborate on what he was saying. I just felt so glad there was some way in which I could be there. And whatever form it may take, whether I agree with the tenor of it or not, I know his faith is strong and will bring him through.
My cousins, his children are such lovely children, or young adults should I say. I think it meant alot to Matthew, the eldest that I had come straight over, and that meant alot to me! Mum and I went over last night and we could feel how constricted they felt, being bound to the house while still unable to grasp what had happened, yearning for a little normality, so I started taking the mick out of Mum and she gladly let me just because it was so good to see them laughing. And I am so glad that I will be home for a few months in September to be there for the two girls when they go back to school. My plans to come home for a while are making more and more sense in the broader scheme of things.
First of all there is greenery everywhere! I haven't been in town yet, except for when the bus pulled in. I miss nature so much when I live in the city. I understand why I feel so trapped at times, yes there are parks, but it is not the same. And this is my corner of nature. I know it so well...I always feel so much more creative when I am home with Mum as well. Our family are not big ones for getting together and have big family chats although we do do that at times. We much prefer to just be together in the same house and potter about doing our own things. I get so much done that way...Mum and I spent a long time this afternoon together, her making flower arrangements for the funeral (she is truly an artist when it comes to floristry) and me putting a set together with all my new tunes for the DJ gig which Ryan has so kindly offered me on the 15th August. I think it's one of the best sets I've ever played and I hope I can build on it. I look forward to being home and continuing to be creative in many ways. I've felt so blocked for so long, because I always thought of it as a means to an end. Now it is coming clear that it is just a way to be and if something comes of it good and well but my only duty to the world is to feed and clothe and shelter myself, one doesn't need a fancy job that makes one miserable to do that!!!
I was reading, finishing actually, "The Gift of Change" by Marianne Williamson today - a book I look forward to rereading - and in the last chapter she discussed change and how it takes time. She talked about in-betweeny stages where a new self is being born and how these transitions cannot be rushed or forced as you need to grow into this new self. And in the chapter before she talked about God's plan and how it is synonymous with your happiness, they are not things you need to choose between. I feel so certain that coming home now is the right thing to do. Why I do not know, but I know.