Astride two worlds (and in between something else too)

If the non-grasping mind is something to be attained (though attained is a poor choice of word giving what I am attempting to describe, although I like the irony so I will keep it in...), if I were to spell out the meaning of where I am and what I should "strive" for (har har har!) - that would be just about it. Life is holding out beautiful promises, and yet it is asking me not to need them. It is asking me to look to what is going on now and love that instead. He is being rather tough and humorous, is God, and I love him for it.
I am trying. I let myself wriggle a bit in desire and expectation, but I try to laugh at myself as much as possible. These promises, these possible sunrises hint at gorgeous colours, but I know that last week I never saw the hint of them before and I was happy in greyness then. A very solid, tangible kind of happiness. You can own greyness. You can illuminate it. You can make moments by yourself and you can dream grey fantasies like forties movies. You can watch them again and again until they become part of you, part of your private fabric which you need never share with anyone.
But, if those New Thought people are to be believed, pure fantasy is a dangerous beast. Suddenly those mere details that you had meant to be alternate or purely Platonic, because you were happy in Limbo, start to materialise in shocking reality - in numbers, in faces, in words, in actions, in situations - and suddenly you have to react to them. You have suddenly created a language of signs which start to show up every where you go, on buses, in shop windows and they begin to promise...You begin to think you know what they mean.
Because of your movies, you are prepared for your role, you think, you know what to do next...and then some naughty God presses the pause button on everything and you think ( you are actually given the luxury of thinking) "Well, how will I feel if this doesn't come true?" or "How will I feel if it does?" and then "Ok, but what if it is slightly different?"
There are inklings of rightness and there are the reptiles and sometimes the reptiles wear movie star masks and vice versa and suddenly you are wanting, but you don't know what you are wanting, you are just wanting, because what was is not and cannot be again and what will be is not either and may never be...you don't know what will be, you have done what you can do, you have played your scenes.