To Teach or Not to Teach?

Ok that's a moot point, because for the next while I will be teaching...thing is, I am not sure if I am really cut out for it! I just can't get past the bit where you have to be comfortable with your students thinking you are an idiot and that it is a waste of time doing your class because they are not getting what they expected out of territory that was previously foreign to them.
Ok that doesn't make sense...what is the balance between pressing on with teaching them necessary skills that will allow them to interact as a group, access their physicalities and think outside the box, and allowing them immediate gratification of "doing scenes" and "being directed" and "playing parts" - simply because they have paid me to teach them "Acting for Fun", they are not professional actors and they just want to see what it is about?
But I don't think they realise that what I am showing them is what it is about! And I don't think they realise how much they are learning...And they are learning. They are a talented, imaginative group...But I need to get the balance between teaching them and pleasing them, even more so that they are not professionals. especially if I want to keep them as customers and continue with my teaching work. And I now know that what I think is fun about acting may not be fun for them...
I know my classes are well-planned and quite integrative, if that's a word, in that all the Chekhov exercises we start with feed into the games we play later on and each class has a strong theme and goal...But I think all that I hold dear is lost on them, perhaps because I find it so hard to communicate. I find communicating my ideas and feelings very difficult in general - so perhaps I am not cut out to teach. And I hate undergoing the necessary resentment, resistance and separation from the group that a teacher has to undergo. I feel so awful to think that they may be regretting spending money on my class. And I am so longing to teach professional actors this stuff and get right into it, BUT professional actors never have the money to do classes!
Hey, but tis still a nice way of getting on top of my debts and earning the freedom for the next stage of my life. And I know from before that teaching has bad days and wonderful days for everybody concerned.
I noticed something about myself yesterday too, in a brief exchange I had with an aquaintance of mine who is my age and has had quite a successful acting career in Ireland - a lovely girl. Part of me is humiliated by the idea that I am teaching acting classes. And it shouldn't be. I don't always feel like that, at times the idea of teaching fills me with joy. But when she said, quite innocently, "Maybe this is the start of a school!" I suddenly came out with "NO! No..." Out of nowhere.
And I know what it was, I couldn't bear the thought of this being my life, stuck here in my home town, committed to my own acting school. I don't know why.
And I started into the exercises on "Entering the Castle" last night - I've been working very slowly and steadily and finally got to the first room...and God the amount of questions in that room are exhausting! They'd keep you going for a month! Well I didn't write cause I was quite tired, but I resolutely pondered some of them for a while, and I'd start and I couldn't get clear answers and then I'd drift off and try to come back...some of the questions just don't hit me but I want to honour them anyway...but I tried and tried this contemplation thing and then I finally asked my soul "Just say something!" Because it sounded like my mind just babbling away in answer to the questions, truths I could grasp but could I live them? Ya dee Ya dee YA!
And then...something new filtered through the mess...I don't know if it was my frazzled mind...something like...the question had been "In what way does your fear of being humiliated control your life?"...well I realised that my fear of committing to anything, anything may have to do with the fear of the humiliation of living a normal life...a life I would perceive as not having infinite possibility, which is nonsense, I know."If I do this, then this closes this off, but I can't do this cause I've no money because I haven't committed to anything. But at least I don't have the humiliation of having an identity that I don't want. Cause I've done that. Bank Worker, ha!"
Ok when I write this down it doesn't make sense. I think it is quite healthy to work towards the life you dream of, but not when you are doing it to avoid humiliation, the inner voice that says mockingly "Oh look there's Seralu. Yeah she never lived up to her potential."
My head is scrambled. There's tinges of shadow in the good isn't there...why am I doing this (whatever it is) ? To "fill my potential" so I don't have to feel guilty and humiliated, or because I just want/need to do it. Seralu, methinks you are still a bit of a phoney m'dear!

De-stasing

I'm not going to talk about how stuck and alternately lethargic and irritable I feel since getting back, like a caged animal only I can't for the life of me see where any real cage is...instead I'm going to talk about things I'm gonna do so I don't feel like I am drowning in molasses any longer. I think not thinking about what I need to do is paralysing me further...

I know I need to start meditating in earnest and not just lying back and listening passively to cds. It's not that I feel like I should, it's that I actually know it would be the best thing for me, so why do I never start?

I think its the state of my flat. I never feel like doing things like that unless I am in control of my surroundings and I've given up making an effort in my flat. It just gets messed straight away and things never remain where they live and there is something so stagnant about the atmosphere in there, I don't know what it is, but I always feel turned off doing anything mildly creative in there or ANYTHING. But I know if I tidy it and clear out everything I don't need in readiness for putting everything in storage I will feel better.

I need to get over to my old flat, go through everything I have in there, decide what is rubbish, what I am giving away and what I am putting into storage. The sooner I do this the better I think!

I need to finalise my set for Friday. I love my new tunes, I have the shape of a really wonderful set, a sense of wholeness and identity that was lacking before. I just need to work in some extra tracks to the overall shape to make it two hours.

I need to record the condensed version of my set, upload it to myspace and elecktra.

I need to get headshots done.

I need to get my DJ promo headshots done.

I need to figure out how to make a demo cd cover with these shots and copy my set onto cd so I have these demos to hand out.

I need to go to the Ramshorn and order shots from all the productions I have been in.

I need to talk to the bank in Ireland. (Oh my finances have never been in such a state!!!)

I think that's enough for now...I have this feeling that just clearing all my stuff is the main thing I want to do for now. I just feel like getting rid, clearing space for everything. Nothing on the outside seems to match the inside anymore, it all seems old and tired and worn. Or maybe I do. I shouldn't, it seems I do nothing but sleep. And I like being alone.